How to Create a Memory Box With Your Child After Someone Dies

Oct 19

Helping Children With Grief7 min read

To make a memory box for a loved one who died, pick a sturdy box with your child, let them decorate it, and fill it with photos, small things the person used, something that still smells like them, and your child's own drawings and letters. Talk about each item as it goes in. Keep the box where your child can reach it, and keep adding to it over the years.

Watercolor from Rally Takes the Train: a red train on a cliffside track heading into a dark tunnel, with Rally the corgi in the window. — From Rally Takes the Train, painted in watercolor by Leslie Dunn.

There's a good chance you already have the start of a memory box somewhere in your house. It's the gallon zip bag in the junk drawer with her reading glasses and a church bulletin from the funeral. It's the shoebox on the closet shelf that nobody has opened since you carried it in from the car.

Making a memory box for a deceased loved one with your child turns that scattered pile into something your child can hold, open and add to. It's a sturdy box filled with photos, small objects and your child's own drawings and letters, a place where the person stays close and touchable. It doesn't take a weekend or a craft store haul. One box, a few things and an hour at the kitchen table is enough to start.

A memory box works for a child who lost a grandparent, a parent, an aunt, even a family friend, and it works years later as well as weeks later. Of all the hands-on ways of helping children with grief, it's one of the few a kid can go back to alone, on a bad night, without asking anybody.

Why a box of their things helps kids

Grief is abstract. A box is not. A young child can't hold "Grandpa's love of fishing," but they can hold the red-and-white bobber from his tackle box and turn it over in their hands while you tell them about the summer he caught nothing for six straight hours and called it a great day.

Sesame Workshop's grief resources for families describe how a box of mementos can comfort kids as they remember someone who died. The Child Mind Institute's guide to helping children cope with grief adds that saying the person's name, sharing memories and keeping photos where kids can see them all help children see remembrance as part of healing.

A memory box does a little of all of that. It also gives a child something to do with a feeling, which matters when the adults are busy, distracted or crying in the next room.

One quick distinction, since families often ask. A memory box holds objects you can touch. A memory book holds stories and photos on pages. Plenty of families make both. If pages suit your child better, we wrote about making a family memory book with kids.

What to put in a memory box for a deceased loved one

Start with what your child picks. The Dougy Center's advice on how to help a child who is grieving is to give children choices whenever possible and to ask which keepsakes matter to them rather than guessing. You may be surprised. The thing you'd have chosen (her good pearls) might lose out to the thing your child remembers (the hair clip shaped like a butterfly she wore every Sunday).

Some ideas to get you going:

Printed photos, especially ones of your child with the person
A card, letter or grocery list in their handwriting
Something they wore: a scarf, a tie, a baseball cap, a watch
Small objects they used every day, like a coffee mug, reading glasses or a keychain
Ticket stubs, a restaurant menu, a program from a game or recital they came to
A recipe card, a seed packet from their garden, a golf ball
Your child's own drawings, letters or a coloring page made for them
A printed copy of a funeral program, if your child went to the service

If your child wants to add something odd, like a bottle cap or a crumpled receipt, let them. There's usually a memory attached that makes perfect sense to them. Only take out anything that isn't safe.

Smell deserves its own note. A scarf or flannel shirt that still smells like the person can be the most precious thing in the box. Odors take a direct route to the brain's limbic system, the regions tied to emotion and memory, according to the Harvard Gazette on how scent, emotion and memory are linked. Seal that piece of clothing in a zip-top bag to help the scent last longer, and gently prepare your child that it will fade over time. Fading doesn't mean the person is fading too.

Choosing and decorating the box together

Any sturdy box with a lid your child can open will work. A shoebox is fine. So is a wooden keepsake box, a tin from the craft store, or a photo storage box. If you plan to keep original photos and letters in it for years, an archival, acid-free box is worth the few extra dollars.

Then let your child make it theirs. Paint, stickers, markers, washi tape, a printed photo glued to the lid. They might write the person's name in big letters, or a favorite saying of theirs, or nothing at all. A child could also add a drawing or one of our free Rally coloring pages colored for the person. It doesn't need to look like a Pinterest board. Glitter glue on a cereal-box lid is a perfectly loving memory box.

When touching their things is too hard

For a lot of parents, this is where the whole idea stalls. Your child wants Grandma's things in a box, and Grandma was your mother, and her closet is still exactly the way she left it. Opening that closet feels impossible.

You don't have to start there. What's Your Grief, in its guide to sorting through a loved one's belongings, describes how some people feel calmer once things are cleared, while others want to keep everything in place as long as possible. Neither is wrong, and there's no deadline.

So start smaller. Print photos from your phone. Make color copies of a card she sent. Let your child pick one thing from a shelf you can handle, and leave the rest for later. A sibling, partner or close friend can pull a few items for you if you can't face it yet. We wrote more about this in when you can't go through your parent's belongings.

Some parents end up making their own box at the same table, at the same time. It's quieter than a big talk, and kids learn a lot about remembering by watching you do it.

Making the memory box, step by step

Pick a calm time. A weekend morning or a slow afternoon, not right before bed. Plan on 30 to 60 minutes, less for little ones.
Gather a few things first. Lay out photos and objects on the table so your child can choose, along with art supplies.
Decorate the box. Let your child lead. Help with glue, not with design.
Add items one at a time. As each thing goes in, say something about it: "This is the mug Grandpa drank his coffee from every morning. He put way too much sugar in it."
Write a few notes. A sticky note on the back of a photo saying who, where and when will matter a lot in fifteen years.
Close it together. Let your child put on the lid and decide where it lives.

If your child has siblings, think about giving each child their own box, so nobody has to fight over who gets the bobber. Copies of photos solve a lot of arguments. A shared family box can sit alongside the individual ones.

Where to keep it, and how often to open it

Keep the box somewhere your child can reach and feel ownership of, usually their room. Away from radiators and sunny windowsills, and out of basements and attics, where heat and damp are hard on photos and paper. If you have irreplaceable originals, put copies in the box and keep the originals in acid-free sleeves somewhere safe and dry.

How often to open it is up to your child. Some kids open it every night for weeks, then hardly at all. Others leave it closed for months and pull it out on a birthday. Both are fine. If your child gets upset while looking through it, sit with them, let the tears happen, share a memory if it feels right, and close it together when they're ready.

Growing the box over the years

A memory box isn't finished when the lid goes on. Children can keep adding drawings, letters and small things on birthdays, holidays and anniversaries, so the box grows up with them. The Dougy Center's tips for supporting grieving children suggest saying the person's name, sharing memories and marking important dates together, and the box gives you a natural place to do all three.

School can bring its own reminders, like a Grandparents Day craft that comes home in a backpack with nobody left to hand it to.

That art can go in the box. So can the Mother's Day card a child made anyway, or the report card they wish they could show. (You can read how the book came to be on our story page.) For more ways to keep someone part of family life as kids grow, read keeping a grandparent's memory alive for kids, and if you're looking for more hands-on ideas, try these grief activities for kids.

A memory box can't do everything, though. The American Academy of Pediatrics, in its guide to grief and loss in childhood, suggests watching for major, lasting changes in how your child handles everyday life. If you notice them, or if your child talks about wanting to die or to be with the person who died, contact your pediatrician or a child grief specialist. If anyone in your family is in crisis, call or text 988 in the US, any time. Our grief resources page lists more places to start.

Years from now your child might be a teenager who hasn't opened the box in ages, until one night you hear the lid come off in their room. They'll find the bobber, the butterfly clip, the sticky note in your handwriting. And they'll know someone made sure they could keep a little of that person close.

Questions people ask

What do you put in a memory box for someone who died?

Photos, cards or notes in their handwriting, a piece of their clothing, small objects they used every day, ticket stubs from things you did together, and your child's own drawings or letters are all good choices. Let your child pick what matters most to them. The items don't need to be valuable, only meaningful to the child.

How do I make a memory box with a young child?

Keep it hands-on and short. Pick a box together, let your child decorate it with stickers or paint, then add a few items one at a time. Say something simple about each one as it goes in, like who used it and what you remember. Twenty or thirty minutes is plenty for a young child.

What kind of box works best for a memory box?

Any sturdy box with a lid your child can open on their own. A shoebox, a wooden keepsake box or a decorated tin all work. If you'll be storing original photos and letters for many years, an acid-free archival box helps protect them. The look matters much less than your child feeling it belongs to them.

When is the right time to make a memory box after a death?

There's no right time. Some families start in the first weeks after a death, and others wait months or years. Follow your child's interest and your own readiness. A memory box can be made at any point, including for someone who died long ago, and it can be added to over time.

What's the difference between a memory box and a memory book?

A memory box holds objects you can touch, like a scarf, a mug or a bobber from a tackle box. A memory book holds stories, photos and drawings on pages. Many families make both. A box suits children who like to hold things, and a book suits children who like to look, read and write.

Should each of my kids have their own memory box?

Often, yes. Each child had their own relationship with the person and will want to choose their own keepsakes. Separate boxes also prevent arguments over who keeps what. A shared family box can sit alongside the individual ones for things that belong to everyone, like the funeral program or a family photo album.

What if my child wants to put something odd in the memory box?

Let them. A bottle cap, a receipt or a pill bottle lid may hold a real memory that makes perfect sense to your child. Ask about it if they want to share. The only items to remove are ones that aren't safe, like medications, sharp objects or anything a younger sibling could choke on.

Can a memory box keep a smell, like Grandma's perfume or Grandpa's shirt?

Yes, for a while. Seal a scarf or shirt in a zip-top bag to help hold the scent longer, and open it only now and then. Gently let your child know the smell will fade over time. Fading doesn't mean the person is being forgotten, and the other items in the box will still be there.

Where should we keep the memory box?

Somewhere your child can reach and feel ownership of, usually their bedroom. Keep it away from heat, direct sunlight and moisture, which means avoiding radiators, sunny windowsills, basements and attics. If the box holds irreplaceable originals, consider keeping copies inside and storing the originals somewhere safe and dry.

How often should my child open their memory box?

As often as they want. Some children open it every day at first, then mostly on birthdays, anniversaries and hard days. Others leave it closed for months. Both are normal. Let your child decide, and avoid pushing them to open it or keeping it out of reach.

Can my child make a memory box for someone they barely knew?

Yes. A memory box can help a child get to know someone they lost when they were very young, or never met. Include photos, stories you write down for them, and things the person loved, like a favorite candy wrapper or a team logo. The box becomes a way of learning about that person, not only remembering.

Can I make a memory box for my own parent while my child makes theirs?

Yes, and many families find it helpful. Working side by side models remembering for your child and gives you both a quiet way to share stories without a big conversation. If it becomes too much for you in the moment, it's fine to pause your box and keep helping with theirs.

What if I can't bring myself to touch my parent's things to fill the box?

That's very common, and there's no deadline. Start with printed photos or copies of cards and letters. Let your child choose one item from a shelf you can manage. A sibling, partner or friend can also gather a few things for you. The rest can wait until you're ready.

How do I protect photos and letters in a memory box?

Use copies for everyday handling, and keep originals in acid-free sleeves or folders. Store the box somewhere cool and dry, away from sunlight, heat and humidity, so not in a basement or attic. Writing names and dates lightly in pencil on the back of photos also helps future family members.

Can a memory box be digital?

Yes. A folder of photos, voice messages and videos can sit alongside a physical box and works especially well for older kids and teens. Back it up in more than one place so it isn't lost with a single device. Many children like having both: something to hold, and something to watch or listen to.

What if my kids argue over who gets which items for their memory box?

Make copies of photos and letters so more than one child can have them, and take turns choosing objects. You can also acknowledge what the fight is usually about: love, and wanting a fair share of someone who mattered. Separate boxes for each child help prevent many arguments.

What should we write inside or on the memory box?

That's up to your child. Some write the person's name, their birth and death dates, a favorite saying of theirs, or a short note. Others prefer drawings or nothing at all. Notes inside, like who is in a photo and when it was taken, are worth adding for the future.

Can we keep adding to the memory box as the years go by?

Yes, and that's one of the best things about it. Children can add drawings, letters, school art and small items on birthdays, holidays and anniversaries, so the box grows with them. Over time it becomes a record of the person and of your child's ongoing relationship with their memory.

What do I do if my child gets upset looking through the memory box?

Sit with them and let the tears happen. Share a memory if it feels right, or just stay close. Close the box together when they're ready. Getting upset doesn't mean the box is harmful. If distress keeps building or lasts, talk with your pediatrician or a child grief specialist.

Can memory boxes be used in a classroom or children's grief group?

Yes. School counselors and children's grief groups sometimes use memory boxes as an activity. Teachers should coordinate with the school counselor and the child's family first, since each family has different wishes and a classroom project can bring up strong feelings for grieving students.

If today feels like too much

You can call or text 988 (the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, US) any time, day or night. More places to turn, including grief groups and therapists: grief support and crisis resources.

Rally Takes the Train book cover: a watercolor corgi peeking from a red train

Something gentle for the kidsRally Takes the Train is a hand-painted picture book about a corgi, a dark tunnel, and the people waiting at the end of the line.

Why it was written

Sources

Written by the Rally Takes the Train team for Finding the Light After Loss, a library for adults grieving a mom or dad. General information, not medical or mental health advice. How we write about grief.

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Kelsey Cecil