It's Not Too Late: Holding a Memorial Years After a Pandemic Loss
It's not too late. A memorial service years later is a real goodbye, and plenty of families are holding one now for a parent who died during the pandemic, when gathering was hard or impossible. It can be a backyard lunch, a big celebration of life or one quiet ritual, as long as it gives the people who loved them a chance to remember together.
A memorial service years later sounds odd until you remember what the first one looked like. Ten people in folding chairs, spaced apart. A livestream that froze during the eulogy. Your aunt watching from her kitchen two time zones away with the sound off, because she couldn't figure out the link.
If your mom or dad died during the pandemic and the goodbye never matched the person, you can still give them one. It isn't too late, and it isn't strange. Families who gather now sometimes find the day turns into the start of new family traditions after loss, like a yearly lunch, a toast on the birthday, or a playlist that comes out every summer.
It isn't too late for a memorial service, even years later
There's no expiration date on remembering someone together. Funerals happen fast because there are arrangements to make and calendars to clear. A memorial doesn't have those limits. It can happen at six months or at five years.
What's Your Grief, a grief education site, is blunt about this: "it is always okay to have a belated funeral service", whether the delay came from the pandemic or anything else.
Suggesting it can still feel awkward. You might worry that relatives will think you're stuck, or that you're reopening something everyone else has closed. Often, though, the relatives you're nervous about turn out to be relieved somebody finally said it out loud. Plenty of families have been carrying the same unfinished feeling for years, each person assuming they were the only one.
Why so many pandemic losses never got a real goodbye
For a lot of families, everything happened at once and at a distance. A parent went into the hospital, and visits were restricted or impossible. The last conversation happened on a phone a nurse held up, or over a video call with bad reception. Then the funeral was postponed, or capped at a handful of people, or held online with relatives in little squares on a laptop screen.
The things that usually carry a family through the first weeks were thin or missing. No full church. No line at the visitation, where a stranger tells you a story about your dad you'd never heard. No back porch after the service where everyone finally laughs about the time he drove the wrong way to the beach for an hour and refused to admit it.
That missing part may have mattered more than it looked. People bereaved in the first year of the pandemic were followed in a Cardiff University-led study in Frontiers in Public Health. Social isolation and loneliness early in bereavement, along with low social support over time, were associated with higher prolonged grief symptoms. That's an association in one group of mostly UK participants, not proof of cause, and it doesn't mean a memorial will fix anything. It does put words to what so many families felt: grieving alone made it heavier.
If the goodbye itself is what still hurts, we wrote about grieving a parent you couldn't say goodbye to. If the hardest part is that nobody seems to want to talk about it, start with why pandemic grief can feel unspeakable.
Why families choose to gather now
Some families gather because the original service was so small that half the people who loved her never got to say a word. They want a room with her friends from the bowling league and the church choir, the people who knew a side of her the family never saw. Others want the grandkids there, the ones who were babies at the time, or weren't born yet.
Sometimes the reason is quieter. You're tired of answering "Did you ever have a service?" with "Sort of." Gathering now gives you a real answer.
And sometimes the other parent has since died too, and one memorial for both of them finally feels possible. That can be a lovely way to do it, and it doesn't shortchange either one. None of these reasons need defending. "We never got to do this properly" is enough.
Choosing a format that sounds like them
A late memorial can look like almost anything. Think about who they were before you think about what's normal.
A small gathering at home. Twenty people, her favorite foods, photos spread across the dining table, and an hour for stories. Cheap, cozy and easy to pull together in a few weeks.
A celebration of life. Bigger and louder, at a park pavilion, a community room, or the back room of the diner where he ordered the same patty melt for thirty years. Music, a slideshow, a microphone for stories. Funny is welcome.
A scattering or burial. If the ashes have been waiting on a closet shelf, the memorial can be built around finally taking them somewhere that mattered, like a beach, a lake or the family plot. Check the local rules for scattering before you go.
A yearly ritual. If one big event isn't possible, or just isn't your family, an annual dinner on their birthday or a hike on the anniversary can carry the same weight over time.
You don't need ashes, a casket or clergy for any of it. Photos, a few of their things and people who loved them are enough. A hybrid setup works too: put a phone on a stand so faraway relatives can join, and record the whole thing. This time the video is a keepsake instead of the only option.
Planning a late memorial, step by step
- Pick a date that means something. The anniversary is one option. A birthday, a holiday weekend when people are already traveling, or the season they loved can feel just as right. Give anyone who has to travel six to eight weeks' notice.
- Choose a place that fits them. A backyard, a park shelter, a church hall, the fishing spot. Community rooms and park pavilions often rent cheaply.
- Name a host. One calm person, not necessarily family, to welcome people, keep time, and gently wrap up the stories when it's time to eat.
- Gather photos and music early. Ask relatives to send pictures ahead of time. A slideshow on a borrowed TV does more than any flower arrangement.
- Keep the food simple. Potluck, a taco truck, or their signature dish made in a big batch by whoever inherited the recipe card.
- Clear the next day. Leave it empty if you can. You'll be more tired than you expect.
If you're weighing the anniversary as your date, there's more on getting through the anniversary of a parent's death.
What to say in the invitation and the remarks
The invitation doesn't need to explain the whole pandemic. A line or two does it:
"When Mom died in 2021, we couldn't gather the way she deserved. Please join us on June 14 to remember her together, with food, music and the stories only you can tell."
For remarks, a late memorial gives you something a fresh funeral doesn't: perspective. You can talk about who they were, and also about where they've shown up since. The grandkid who laughs exactly like him. The tomatoes from her seeds that still come up every summer. The phrase the whole family still says without thinking about where it came from.
Readings can be anything, like a poem, a passage from a book they loved, or a letter one of the kids writes. If people freeze at the idea of a microphone, set out cards and pens and ask everyone to write down one memory. Read a few aloud and keep the rest in a box you'll open again someday.
Including children who were babies, or not yet born
For kids who never knew the person, a memorial can be the first time they see how loved their grandparent was. That's no small thing.
Tell them simply what it's for: "Grandma died when you were a baby, and we couldn't all be together then. So we're getting together now to remember her." Then prepare them for what they'll see. The Child Mind Institute advises preparing children before a funeral, telling them some people will probably cry, and never forcing a child to go. It also notes that other goodbyes, like planting a tree or sharing stories, can work well for kids.
Give younger children a small job, like handing out programs or setting a flower by the photo. A side table with crayons and a stack of free printable coloring pages gives little ones somewhere to land when the speeches run long. There's more on this particular ache in pandemic babies who never met their grandparents.
When the grief comes back at the gathering
Expect the memorial to stir things up. Seeing everyone in one room, hearing her name said out loud, watching the slideshow reach the last photo. Grief that has been waiting politely for years can show up all at once, sometimes in the parking lot before you've even gone in.
That doesn't mean the gathering was a mistake. It may be exactly what was missing. Plan a soft landing for yourself anyway: a quiet day after, a walk with someone who gets it, a call with your brother to go over the best stories again.
If, weeks later, the grief is still intense and getting in the way of daily life, talk with a doctor or a grief counselor. The American Psychiatric Association describes prolonged grief disorder as intense, persistent grief that interferes with daily life, and notes that lack of social support is one of its risk factors. Our grief resources page lists places to start, and if it ever feels like too much, call or text 988 any time in the US.
And if a full memorial just isn't possible, something smaller still counts. Scatter the ashes with two people instead of forty. Make her lasagna on her birthday every year and tell one story at the table. What matters is that somebody, finally, says her name with other people in the room.
Questions people ask
Is it weird to have a memorial service years after someone died?
No. Delayed memorials are common, and they became especially common for families whose loss came during the pandemic, when gathering was hard or impossible. There's no rule that remembering someone together has to happen within weeks of the death. A memorial years later is a way to give someone the goodbye they deserved, and most guests understand that right away.
What do you call a memorial held long after the death?
You can call it a memorial service, a celebration of life, a remembrance gathering or simply a get-together in their name. Some families call it a belated funeral. There's no official rule about the name, so choose whatever matches the tone you want. A celebration of life tends to signal something lighter, while a memorial service sounds a bit more formal.
How many years after a death can you hold a memorial service?
Any time. There's no expiration date on a memorial. Families hold them months, years or even decades after a death. Anniversaries, birthdays and milestone years often feel like natural moments, but a holiday weekend when relatives are already traveling can work just as well. Pick the date that gives the most people who loved them a real chance to come.
Do you need ashes or a body to hold a memorial service?
No. A memorial is about remembering the person, not about remains. Photos, a few of their belongings, favorite music, food they loved and people telling stories are more than enough. If ashes or a burial site are part of your family's plans, they can be included, but plenty of meaningful memorials have neither one present.
How do I word an invitation to a memorial for someone who died years ago?
Keep it short and warm. Briefly say why you're gathering now, then give the details. For example: when Dad died in 2020, we couldn't come together the way he deserved, so please join us to remember him with food, music and stories. Include the date, time, place and whether children are welcome, plus a way to join online if you're offering one.
What if people think I should have moved on by now?
Grief doesn't have a deadline, and remembering someone together isn't a sign that you're stuck. Gathering years later can be a healthy, deliberate choice, especially if the first goodbye was cut short. Anyone who thinks you should be over it probably hasn't lost a parent this way. You don't owe anyone an explanation beyond wanting to remember them properly.
Can a late memorial help when grief never felt finished?
It may help, though no single event can promise to resolve grief. A study of people bereaved during the pandemic found that isolation and loneliness early on, along with low support over time, were linked with more prolonged grief symptoms. Gathering with people who loved them won't erase that, but it can offer some of the shared remembering that was missing.
How do I plan a memorial service on a small budget?
Hold it at home, in a park or in a low-cost community room, and ask guests to bring a dish to share. Skip expensive extras like printed programs and catering. Spend your effort on stories, photos and music, which cost almost nothing. A slideshow on a borrowed TV and a playlist of their favorite songs can carry the whole afternoon.
Should we hold the memorial on the anniversary of the death?
It's one good option, not the only one. The anniversary can feel meaningful, but it can also be a heavy day. A birthday, a holiday weekend, the season they loved or a date tied to a favorite place can feel just as right. Choose the date that works for the people who matter most and that you can face.
How do I bring my kids to a memorial for a grandparent they never met?
Prepare them ahead of time for what will happen, including that some people may cry. Explain who the gathering is for in simple words, then give them a small role, like handing out programs or placing a flower. Keep their part short and have a quiet activity ready. Children's grief experts advise never forcing a child to attend.
How do I explain to my child why we're having a service for Grandma now?
Keep it simple and honest. You might say: Grandma died when you were little, and we couldn't all be together then, so we're getting together now to remember her and tell stories about her. Young children don't need details about the pandemic. Answer their questions plainly and expect them to ask the same ones more than once.
What if some relatives don't want to reopen the grief with a memorial?
Respect their choice. Not everyone wants to reopen grief in a public way, and that's their right. Make the gathering clearly optional, let them know they're welcome if they change their mind, and don't make attendance a test of love. You can also offer a smaller version for those who want it, or share photos and a recording afterward.
Can a memorial years later be a happy celebration?
Yes. Many families choose a celebration of life with favorite food, music, games or funny stories, especially years later when some of the rawest pain has softened. Laughing about the person is a way of remembering them, not a sign of disrespect. You can still leave room for a quiet moment or two for anyone who needs it.
What do you say in a eulogy for someone who died several years ago?
Talk about who they were, with specific stories rather than a summary of their life. Then add what time has shown you: what they've missed, where you still see them in the family, and what lessons or habits of theirs live on. Keep it short, around three to five minutes. A late eulogy can be warmer and funnier than one written in the first week.
Is it okay to hold one memorial for both parents together?
Yes. A joint memorial can honor both parents at once, and it often makes sense when one parent died during the pandemic and the other died soon after. You can share photos of them together and apart, tell stories about each one, and include music both of them loved. It doesn't shortchange either parent to remember them side by side.
If the original funeral was only on video, did it still count?
Yes, it counted. You showed up the way you could under the circumstances, and so did everyone on the screen. A video service is still a real goodbye. It's also completely fine to want more, and holding an in-person memorial now doesn't erase or replace the first one. It simply adds the gathering that wasn't possible then.
Who should speak at a delayed memorial service?
Anyone who loved them and wants to. Family members, close friends, coworkers and neighbors can all speak, or you can open the floor for short stories. Ask a calm host to welcome everyone, keep time and gently move things along. If someone would rather not speak aloud, they can write a memory on a card to be read or saved.
Can we hold a late memorial online or hybrid for faraway family?
Yes. A livestream or video call lets relatives who can't travel join in, and a recording becomes a keepsake for people who couldn't attend. Set up a phone or laptop on a stand near the speakers, test the sound beforehand and ask someone to watch the chat. Remote guests can even share a story from wherever they are.
Is it normal for grief to hit hard again at a memorial held years later?
Yes, very normal. Gathering, hearing their name said out loud and seeing photos can bring old grief right back to the surface, even years later. That doesn't mean the memorial was a mistake. Plan rest and support for the days afterward. If grief stays intense and disrupts daily life for weeks, talk with a doctor or grief counselor.
What if I can't organize a full memorial at all?
A small ritual still counts. You could scatter ashes with one or two people, plant a tree, light a candle on their birthday or hold an annual dinner where everyone tells one story. Remembering someone doesn't require a big event or a guest list. What matters is that you take time, with someone else if possible, to say their name.
If today feels like too much
You can call or text 988 (the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, US) any time, day or night. More places to turn, including grief groups and therapists: grief support and crisis resources.
Something gentle for the kidsRally Takes the Train is a hand-painted picture book about a corgi, a dark tunnel, and the people waiting at the end of the line.
Why it was writtenSources
Written by the Rally Takes the Train team for Finding the Light After Loss, a library for adults grieving a mom or dad. General information, not medical or mental health advice. How we write about grief.