Pandemic Babies Who Never Met Their Grandparents
If your baby was born during the pandemic and your parent died before they could meet in person, you're grieving two things at once: your mom or dad, and the meeting that never happened. That loss is real even if the world has moved on. You can save what you do have, tell your child about their grandparent in simple words, and find people who understand, even years later.
Your dad met your daughter through a phone propped against the sugar bowl. He waved, she slept, and the call dropped twice. You remember thinking there'd be a real visit soon, with the car seat and the diaper bag and his big hands holding her for the first time. There wasn't.
When a baby is born during the pandemic and a grandparent dies before they ever meet in person, the grief has an odd double shape. You lost your parent. Your child lost the chance to be held by them. Months or years later, both losses are still there, a corner of parenting without your own parents that came with its own timing and its own silence.
The world has mostly moved on from that time. Your family's story from those months is still being lived.
When your baby was born during the pandemic and a grandparent died
A newborn needs you every two hours. Grief needs you too, on no schedule at all. Plenty of parents in this spot remember feeding the baby with one hand and texting a hospital nurse with the other, or getting the call about their parent in the same week as the two-week pediatrician visit.
So the grief often got postponed. There was no room for it between the night feeds and the baby's weight checks. If it's hitting you now, three or four years later, as your child turns into a whole person with opinions and a favorite color, that isn't strange. Grief that had to wait its turn tends to show up when there's finally space.
The losses unique to pandemic-era births: video introductions, visiting limits and hugs that never happened
Every family's version is a little different, but some pieces come up again and again. The first introduction happened on a screen, sometimes held up to a window. Hospitals limited visitors, so the newborn photo in the recovery room with Grandma never got taken. Some grandparents saw the baby in person once, from across a room. Others never did.
Then there were the goodbyes. Plenty of parents said goodbye to their own mom or dad by phone or video, if they got to say it at all. Funerals were small, delayed or online, with relatives in little squares on a laptop while the baby fussed in a bouncer nearby.
Each of those is a loss worth naming on its own. The baby book page labeled "Meeting Your Grandparents" that stayed blank. The hug you'd pictured since the positive test. These aren't small things to be sad about, even if nobody around you seems to remember them anymore.
A grandparent who never got to hold them
Kelsey Lizee Cecil, who wrote Rally Takes the Train, knows a version of this. Her mom, Deb, died in 2021, during the pandemic, before Kelsey's first child was born. Her kids never got to meet their grandma. The book itself was Deb's idea, one she dreamed up and talked about for years; you can read about it in our story.
Whether your parent died just before your baby arrived or a few months after, the hole has the same outline: a person who should have been at the first birthday, and wasn't. That missing person can be felt by kids too, often later on, as curiosity or a kind of longing for someone they only know through stories.
What the research shows, and who it counts
Researchers have tried to measure how many children were affected by pandemic deaths. One U.S. study estimated that 216,617 children lost a parent or other caregiver they lived with to COVID-19 through mid-May 2022, including 77,283 who lost a parent, according to Treglia and colleagues' analysis. Those caregivers included custodial grandparents.
To be honest about what that means for you: those numbers count children who lived with the person who died. A grandparent who lived across town or across the country, who would have been the Saturday sleepover house or the voice on the phone every Sunday, generally isn't in them. Most parents reading this are adults who lost a parent; your child lost a grandparent they never got to know. We don't know of a reliable count of that situation, and we won't make one up.
One study does speak to adults bereaved in that period. People bereaved during the first year of the pandemic were followed in a Cardiff University-led study in Frontiers in Public Health, which found that social isolation and loneliness early in bereavement, and a lack of social support over time, were linked to higher levels of prolonged grief symptoms. Most participants were women in the UK, and it shows an association rather than cause. Still, it puts words to what a lot of new parents felt: grieving alone, with a baby, made everything heavier.
Grieving while caring for a baby
If you're still in it, or if you're just now looking back, a few things help. Grief with a baby tends to come in short bursts: in the shower, on a walk with the stroller, at 2 a.m. Let those bursts happen when they can, and don't wait for a quiet week that may never come.
Babies can't understand death, but they do pick up on the adults around them. The American Academy of Pediatrics notes that infants and toddlers sense grown-ups' suffering, and that taking care of yourself and accepting help to keep daily routines going helps little ones feel safe, in its guide to how children understand death. That's permission to let a friend take the baby so you can cry, sleep or simply sit.
Plenty of parents say those months are a blur. If you barely remember your baby's first season, photos, texts and other people's memories can help you reclaim some of it. If you're currently pregnant or within the first year after birth and the grief feels like it's swallowing everything, Postpartum Support International's HelpLine (1-800-944-4773, call or text) can connect you with support, including resources for loss and grief during pregnancy and postpartum.
Telling your child about the grandparent they never met
Start simple and keep it true. "Grandpa saw you on the computer when you were tiny. He loved you so much. He got very sick and died, and he couldn't come hold you." The AAP recommends avoiding phrases like "went to sleep" with young children, because they think literally and can become afraid of sleeping. Expect to answer the same questions many times as your child grows; that's how kids work things out.
Stories do a lot of the heavy lifting. Tell your child what their grandparent was like, the jokes, the cooking, the way he said their name on the call. Picture books about visiting grandparents can open the door, too. In Rally Takes the Train, the grand-paw-rents are waiting on the platform, and on the way the train goes through a dark tunnel before coming out into a big bright light by the ocean. Kids who never got that platform hug sometimes have questions afterward, and that's a good thing. For more on these conversations, read talking to kids about grandparents who died.
Saving what you have: videos, photos and stories
The video calls, voicemails and screenshots from those months may be some of the only recordings of your parent with your child. Even if you can't watch them yet, save them. Download them off your phone and the video apps, and back them up in two places, like a cloud account and a drive in a drawer. Write a note with the date and what was happening.
Add the cards, the onesie your mom mailed, the texts with heart emojis, and a few lines about what that time was like for your family. Sesame Workshop's grief resources for families encourage finding ways to keep a person's memory alive, and a small box like this does exactly that. When your child is ready, short clips with you sitting beside them, ready for questions, tend to work best.
When birthdays and death anniversaries overlap
For some families, the baby's birthday and the parent's death date are weeks apart, or days. Planning the party while the anniversary is coming can feel impossible. Try planning both on purpose: keep the birthday about your child, and set aside a separate quiet moment (a morning walk, a candle after bedtime) for your parent. As kids get older, some families fold a small tradition into the birthday, like making the grandparent's favorite dessert.
Finding others who understand
Pandemic losses often became the kind of grief people avoid mentioning. We wrote about why in disenfranchised grief after a COVID loss. If you never had a real goodbye, it's not too late; see holding a memorial years after a pandemic loss. And for raising kids through all of it, read parenting after losing a parent to COVID.
Look for grief groups through local hospices, online groups for people who lost a parent, and other parents with kids the same age who went through something similar. If it ever feels like too much, call or text 988 any time. Our grief resources page has more.
Someday your kid will find that video of the phone propped against the sugar bowl, the call dropping twice. They'll ask who the man waving is. You'll get to say: that's your grandpa, and look how happy he was to see you.
Questions people ask
Is it normal to grieve that my parent only met my baby on a video call?
Yes. A screen introduction was real, but it wasn't the same as holding your baby, and grieving the hug that never happened is a valid loss. Many families from that time feel this exact ache. You can treasure the call and still be sad about everything it couldn't give your parent or your child. Both are true.
How do I cope when my parent died before ever holding my baby?
Start by naming that specific loss, because it's separate from losing your parent in general. Share it with people who understand, and find small rituals that connect your parent and your child, like a photo by the crib or a story at bedtime. If the grief feels stuck or overwhelming, a grief counselor can help.
How do I grieve a parent and care for a newborn at the same time?
Expect grief to come in short bursts, and let it happen when it can rather than waiting for a quiet week. Accept practical help so someone else can hold the baby while you rest or cry. Keep routines simple. If exhaustion and sadness aren't lifting, or you're pregnant or within a year of giving birth, talk with your provider.
Should I save the video calls between my parent and my baby?
Yes, save them, even if you can't watch them yet. Download the calls and voicemails, and back them up in two places, like a cloud account and a physical drive. Label them with dates. They may become some of the most treasured things your child has, especially as they get older and want to know their grandparent.
How do I tell my child that Grandpa only met them through a screen?
Keep it simple and warm: Grandpa saw you on the computer when you were a baby, he loved you very much, and he got sick and couldn't come in person. Answer questions honestly as they come up, and expect to repeat the story as your child grows. Add stories about who he was, not only how he died.
When should I show my child videos of the grandparent who died?
Follow your child's interest and readiness. Many kids enjoy short clips once they're old enough to ask who someone is, often around preschool age. Sit with them while they watch, so you can answer questions and notice how they feel. If a video upsets them, put it away and try again later.
What do I do when my child's birthday is close to the anniversary of my parent's death?
Plan both days ahead of time instead of letting them collide. Keep the birthday focused on your child, and give yourself a separate, quiet moment to remember your parent, like a walk or a candle after bedtime. As your child gets older, some families add a gentle nod to the grandparent, like their favorite dessert at the party.
Why do I feel robbed of the newborn photos with my parents?
Because those photos are a family ritual most people expect, and you didn't get them. A newborn held by Grandma is a picture so many parents imagine for years. Missing it is a real, concrete loss. Some families create a different keepsake, like a framed photo of the grandparent next to one of the baby.
Is it okay that I barely remember my baby's first months because of grief?
It's common. Grief, sleep loss and caring for a newborn can blur memory and focus. Photos, videos, texts and notes from that time can help you reclaim some of it, and friends or relatives may remember details you don't. Ask them to share stories. It doesn't mean you loved your baby or your parent any less.
Is it normal to feel guilty that I was focused on my baby while my parent was dying?
Yes, guilt is a very common part of grief. Caring for a newborn wasn't optional, and focusing on your baby was necessary, not a betrayal. Your parent would most likely have wanted you to care for their grandchild. If the guilt keeps circling back, talking with a counselor or a trusted friend can help loosen it.
How do I explain why there are no pictures of my child with Grandma?
Tell the truth gently: Grandma died before she could come visit, and she wanted to so much. Show photos of Grandma on her own, and consider a keepsake that pairs them, like a frame with her picture beside your child's. Stories about her help fill in what pictures can't.
Where can I find other parents whose baby arrived during a pandemic loss?
Look for grief groups that focus on losses from the pandemic, online communities for parents who lost a parent, and support through local hospices. If you're pregnant or within a year after birth, Postpartum Support International has groups and a HelpLine. Check that a group is still active before joining, since some have wound down.
Can grief from that time show up years later as my child grows?
Yes. Milestones like birthdays, the first day of school or a Grandparents Day event often bring new waves of grief, even years later. Grief doesn't follow a fixed timeline, and it can feel different as your child grows and starts asking questions. That's normal, and support is still available whenever you need it.
What keepsakes from the pandemic months should I save for my child?
Save cards, gifts and clothes your parent sent, voicemails, texts and video calls, and any photos, even blurry screenshots. Add a short note in your own words about what that time was like for your family and what your parent said about the baby. A simple box or folder is enough to start.
Do pandemic loss statistics count babies whose grandparents died?
Mostly no. Published estimates count children who lost a parent or a caregiver they lived with, including custodial grandparents. A grandparent who lived elsewhere generally isn't included, so many families who lost a grandparent during that time aren't reflected in the numbers. That doesn't make your family's loss any smaller.
Is it okay to still feel angry about how my parent's last months went?
Yes. Anger is a common grief response, especially when a parent's last months didn't go the way you'd hoped. Let yourself feel it, and talk it through with someone you trust or a grief counselor. You don't need to settle on a target for it. Over time, many people find the anger softens as the grief changes.
Why does no one talk about grandparents who died during the pandemic anymore?
Pandemic losses often became disenfranchised grief, the kind other people don't fully acknowledge or want to discuss. Many people moved on and stopped talking about that period. Your loss still deserves to be spoken about. Bringing up your parent's name yourself often gives others permission to talk about them too.
Should I hold a memorial now so my child can be part of it?
It's not too late. A memorial years later can be simple: a gathering at a park, a meal with family, or a quiet moment at the grave. Including your child can help them feel part of their grandparent's story. It can also give the adults the goodbye they never got.
How do I respond when people call my child a pandemic baby like it's cute?
You can smile and move on, or say briefly that it was also when you lost your parent. Most people mean it lightly and don't know your story. You don't owe anyone an explanation. If it's someone close to you, you might share more, which can help them understand why the phrase lands differently for you.
Will my child feel the loss of a grandparent they never knew?
Many children feel it later, as curiosity or longing for a grandparent they hear about but never knew. That's natural, not a sign something is wrong. Open, ongoing conversation, stories and photos help children grieve at their own pace. If your child seems stuck in sadness or worry, talk with their pediatrician.
If today feels like too much
You can call or text 988 (the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, US) any time, day or night. More places to turn, including grief groups and therapists: grief support and crisis resources.
Something gentle for the kidsRally Takes the Train is a hand-painted picture book about a corgi, a dark tunnel, and the people waiting at the end of the line.
Why it was writtenSources
- Parental and Other Caregiver Loss Due to COVID-19 in the United States (Treglia et al., 2023), PubMed Central
- Prolonged grief during and beyond the pandemic (Harrop et al., 2023), Frontiers in Public Health
- How Children Understand Death: What to Say When a Loved One Dies, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
- Grief, Sesame Workshop
- Get Help, Postpartum Support International
Written by the Rally Takes the Train team for Finding the Light After Loss, a library for adults grieving a mom or dad. General information, not medical or mental health advice. How we write about grief.