Why Pandemic Grief Can Feel Unspeakable: Disenfranchised Grief After a COVID Loss
Disenfranchised grief is grief that isn't openly acknowledged or supported by the people around you, and after a COVID loss it's extremely common. Your parent died while the whole world was overwhelmed, the subject became one people avoid, and your private loss got little room. You can still give it a voice now, with the people and rituals you choose.
Someone asks when your dad died. You say, "Spring of 2020," and you watch the conversation swerve. A pause. A quick "Oh, wow, that whole time was so crazy." Then a story about their own sourdough phase, and somehow you're the one nodding along.
That swerve has a name. Disenfranchised grief is grief that doesn't get acknowledged or supported by the people around you, and a lot of people who lost a parent during the pandemic have been living inside it for years. When a mom's or dad's death becomes something you can't quite bring up, that silence sits right on top of the pain of losing a parent and makes all of it heavier.
Your grief was never too much, too late or too complicated. It just didn't get the room it needed.
What disenfranchised grief is
Grief expert Kenneth Doka introduced the term "disenfranchised grief" in his 1989 book, Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow. It describes grief that isn't recognized or validated by the people and culture around the person grieving, as this EBSCO research overview of disenfranchised grief explains. The overview notes that when grief gets minimized, people often stop grieving openly and end up suffering alone and in silence.
The classic examples are losses people don't consider "important enough": an ex-partner, a pet, a miscarriage. But grief can also get disenfranchised because of when and how a death happened. The same overview notes that grief is often brushed aside when the person who died was very old or had been suffering, because others would rather focus on the long life or the end of pain.
Losing a parent during the pandemic can carry several of these at once. The death came in the middle of a crisis that swallowed everyone's attention. The rituals that usually announce a loss were small or missing. And now the whole subject is one people would rather not touch.
Why pandemic losses so often went unacknowledged
Think about what usually happens after a parent dies. People come to the house. They bring lasagna and paper plates. Someone you haven't seen in ten years hugs you at the funeral and tells you a story about your mom you'd never heard. All of that is the community saying, out loud, this loss is real and it matters.
For a lot of pandemic losses, that chorus never sang. The funeral was eight people and a laptop. Friends who would have shown up sent a text instead. Coworkers were overwhelmed with their own stress, and your loss became one more piece of bad news in a season full of it. By the time people could gather again, most assumed you'd already moved on.
That matters for more than hurt feelings. A Cardiff University-led study of people bereaved in the UK during the first year of the pandemic found that social isolation and loneliness early in bereavement, and low social support over time, were associated with higher prolonged grief symptoms, according to the findings in Frontiers in Public Health. It's an association, not proof of cause. But it fits what so many grieving families say: being unseen made the loss heavier.
When your parent feels like a statistic
There's a particular sting in watching a death toll scroll across a screen and knowing one of those numbers was your dad. Big numbers can flatten people. Your father wasn't a data point. He was the man who whistled badly through his teeth and kept a spare key under a fake rock that fooled no one.
Researchers estimate that about 216,000 children in the US lost a parent or another caregiver they lived with to COVID-19 through May 2022, and that nearly 85,000 of them lost a grandparent caregiver in their home, according to a 2022 study in the Journal of Community Health. Those figures describe children. Most people reading this are adults who lost a parent, and there's no reliable count of you at all.
The way back from statistic to person is simple and stubborn: say who they were. Use their name. Tell the specific stories. Every time you do, they become a person again, at least in that room.
How to talk about your loss without it turning into a debate
Part of why pandemic grief can feel unspeakable is that the topic itself became loaded. You mention how your mom died, and you can feel the other person bracing for an argument you have no interest in having.
Keep the conversation where you want it: on your parent and on you. A few lines that do that:
- "Mom died in 2020. Still miss her like crazy. She would have loved this restaurant."
- "Not talking about the bigger picture today. Just missing Dad."
- "Can we change the subject? Still tender."
You never have to name the illness if you don't want to. And you're allowed to walk away from any conversation that turns into a debate, or quietly stop showing up to the dinners where it always does. The Hospice Foundation of America notes that hurtful comments, even well-meant ones, can make you feel misunderstood or disenfranchised, and that responding in ways that affirm your grief can help you regain a sense of control.
When someone minimizes the death because of your parent's age or health, a short answer works: "Ninety or not, that was Mom." That's the whole argument.
Kids' grief can get overlooked too
If your children lost a grandparent during the pandemic, their grief may have been even easier to miss. They were young, the adults were overwhelmed, and school may have been a screen. Some kids barely remember the grandparent. Others remember perfectly and have never really been asked about it.
Ask them. Keep it simple and honest, use the real word "died," and let them come back to the questions as many times as they need. The American Academy of Pediatrics points out that holidays and anniversaries can be especially hard for grieving kids, and suggests talking with your child's doctor if trouble with sleep, eating, friends or school persists.
Let the teacher know, too, so a family tree project or a Grandparents Day event doesn't catch your child off guard. There's more in parenting after losing a parent to COVID.
Small ways to make your grief visible
Disenfranchised grief tends to soften when someone, somewhere, says yes, this happened, and it mattered. You can create some of that yourself.
Have the funeral you didn't get. What's Your Grief makes a strong case that it's never too late for a delayed memorial, and that gathering later can reconnect you with people whose support faded after the first weeks. It can be a backyard barbecue in their honor or a pew at their church. We wrote about planning one in holding a memorial service years later.
Mark the date on purpose. Put the anniversary and their birthday on your calendar, and tell two people you trust that those days are hard. Then they can show up for you, which is exactly what was missing before.
Smaller things count. Cook their recipe and tell the table whose it was. Write their story down and share it, in a family email or a post, if that feels right (think about who'll see it, and pick spaces that tend to respond kindly). Text someone who knew them: "Thinking about Dad today." Nine times out of ten, they've been thinking about him too.
Finding support that recognizes the loss
Look for support that's about grief, not about the pandemic as a topic. Hospice bereavement groups are often open to the community. Peer and online groups for people who lost a parent can work well, especially if you're on the younger side; we wrote about finding grief support as a young adult. Before joining any group, it's fair to ask how they keep conversations focused on grief.
If grief still feels raw and is getting in the way of daily life long after the death, talk to a grief therapist. Read when everyone else has moved on if that's where you are, and grieving a parent lost to COVID-19 for more on what so many families went through. Our grief resources page lists counseling options and support lines, and our editorial standards explain how we write about pandemic loss.
If you ever feel like you can't keep going, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. It's free and open every hour.
And the next time someone asks when your dad died, you can answer the question they didn't ask. Tell them about the spare key under the fake rock. Let them laugh. That's him, counted as himself, the way he always deserved to be.
Questions people ask
What is disenfranchised grief?
Disenfranchised grief is grief that isn't openly acknowledged, socially supported or publicly mourned. Grief expert Kenneth Doka introduced the term in 1989 to describe losses that other people overlook or minimize. When grief is disenfranchised, people often stop talking about it and grieve alone, which can make the loss harder to carry.
Why does pandemic grief feel like something I can't talk about?
Pandemic losses happened during a time of enormous collective stress, so individual deaths often got lost in the noise. Rituals were small or missing, and the subject later became one that people avoid. Together, those things can leave your grief with very little room. It isn't that your loss matters less. It's that it rarely got heard.
Why do people change the subject when I say my parent died during the pandemic?
Most people change the subject because they feel helpless or uneasy, not because your loss doesn't matter. The pandemic can bring up their own stress, and they may worry about saying the wrong thing. Their discomfort says more about them than about your grief. You can gently steer back to your parent if you want to keep talking.
Is it normal to feel like my parent became just a statistic?
Yes, it's very normal. Huge numbers can make individual people feel erased, especially when the loss was reported as part of a daily count. Your parent was a whole person with a name, habits and stories. Saying their name and telling specific stories about them is one of the most powerful ways to push back against that feeling.
Why did my grief get lost in everyone else's pandemic stress?
When everyone around you is struggling, a single loss can get overshadowed, even a loss as big as a parent. People were exhausted, distracted and grieving their own things. That doesn't mean your grief deserved less attention. It means it didn't get the attention it deserved then, and you can give it that attention now.
How do I talk about my parent's death when the pandemic is such a touchy topic?
Keep the conversation personal. Talk about who your parent was and how you're doing, and leave the bigger topic out entirely if you'd like. You don't have to name the illness. If a conversation starts turning into an argument, you can say you'd rather not discuss it and change the subject or step away.
Why do I feel like I'm not allowed to still be sad about a pandemic loss?
As the world moved on, many grievers felt pressure to move on too, as if the deadline for sadness had passed for everyone at once. But there's no deadline on grieving a parent. Grief that didn't get room early on often surfaces later. Being sad years afterward is normal, not a sign that something is wrong with you.
How can I make my grief visible when I never got a proper funeral?
You can hold the gathering you missed, at any point. A backyard memorial, a dinner where everyone shares stories, a gravesite visit with family or an online tribute all count. You can also mark the anniversary each year and say their name out loud. Making the loss visible is about acknowledgment, not perfection.
What should I say when someone minimizes my parent's death because of their age or health?
A short, honest answer works: "They were still my mom, and I'm grieving." A parent's age or health never makes the loss small. People sometimes focus on age or illness to comfort themselves. You don't have to argue with them. You can simply restate that this was your parent and you miss them.
Can disenfranchised grief turn into prolonged grief?
It may raise the risk. A 2023 study by Harrop and colleagues found that isolation, loneliness and low social support after a pandemic bereavement were linked to higher prolonged grief symptoms. That's an association, not a certainty. Being heard and supported, even years later, can help, and a grief therapist can help if grief stays intense.
How do I find people who understand pandemic grief without the politics?
Look for grief-focused groups through local hospices, grief centers or moderated online communities for people who lost a parent. Before joining, ask how the group keeps conversations on grief rather than outside topics. Peer communities and small self-organized groups can work well too, especially if you find even one or two people who understand.
Why do I feel embarrassed bringing up my parent's death years after the pandemic?
Embarrassment often comes from sensing that other people feel done with the topic. But your loss isn't finished just because time has passed. Choose safe listeners, like a close friend, a sibling or a grief group, and let your story be ongoing. People who care about you usually want to hear about your parent.
How do I help my child when classmates don't understand their grandparent's pandemic death?
Validate their feelings and give them simple words to use, like "My grandma died, and I miss her." Let the teacher know so the school can support your child and handle things like family tree projects with care. Keep the grandparent part of family life at home, so your child knows their grief is welcome there.
Do children who lost a parent during the pandemic experience disenfranchised grief?
Yes, they can. About 216,000 US children lost a parent or other caregiver they lived with to COVID-19, according to a 2022 study by Treglia and colleagues. Many of those children were very young, and their grief was easy to overlook. Children need adults to name the loss, answer questions and keep the person's memory present.
Why is it so hard to grieve when the whole world was grieving at once?
Collective grief can crowd out personal grief, because the world's loss becomes the headline and yours becomes a footnote. Your loss was still singular. You lost one specific person, with a voice and history no one else had. It's okay to grieve them as an individual, even though many others were grieving at the same time.
How do I tell my family I'm still not okay about Mom's death during the pandemic?
Choose a calm moment and say it simply: "I'm still not okay about Mom." Then name one thing that would help, like talking about her more often or marking her birthday together. Family members may be relieved, since they could be carrying the same feelings. If it goes badly, that's about their grief, not your worth.
Is it okay to avoid people who argue about the pandemic around me?
Yes. Protecting your grief from arguments is a healthy boundary. You can leave the room, change the subject or skip gatherings where the topic always comes up. You don't owe anyone a debate about your parent's death. Spending your limited energy on people who support you is a reasonable choice, not avoidance.
What are small ways to acknowledge a pandemic loss on hard days?
Light a candle, cook their recipe, look through photos, write them a short note or play a song they loved. You can also text someone who knew them and simply say you're thinking of your parent today. Small acts done on purpose help make the loss visible, especially on days other people may not remember.
Can writing or sharing my parent's story online help with silent grief?
Yes, sharing your parent's story can bring recognition and connection, and it can remind others that your parent was a real person. Think about privacy first, and choose spaces that tend to respond with care, like a private group or a family email. If replies turn unkind, you can close comments or take the post down.
How do I support a coworker whose grief seems invisible after a pandemic loss?
Acknowledge the loss directly and say their parent's name. Try something like, "I've been thinking about you and your dad." Remember difficult dates, such as the anniversary, and offer practical flexibility at work where you can. Avoid turning the conversation toward the pandemic itself, and keep the focus on your coworker and their parent.
If today feels like too much
You can call or text 988 (the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, US) any time, day or night. More places to turn, including grief groups and therapists: grief support and crisis resources.
Sources
- Disenfranchised Grief, EBSCO Research Starters
- Prolonged grief during and beyond the pandemic (Harrop et al., 2023), Frontiers in Public Health
- Parental and Other Caregiver Loss Due to COVID-19 in the United States (Treglia et al., 2022), Journal of Community Health
- When You Are Grieving, Hospice Foundation of America
- How Children Understand Death: What to Say When a Loved One Dies, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
- Is It Too Late? Having a Delayed Funeral, What's Your Grief
- 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
Written by the Rally Takes the Train team for Finding the Light After Loss, a library for adults grieving a mom or dad. General information, not medical or mental health advice. How we write about grief.