Parenting After Losing a Parent to COVID-19
Losing a parent to COVID while raising kids means grieving in the middle of bedtimes, school runs and questions you're not ready for, often after a death that happened at a distance. You can be honest with your children in simple words, protect the routines that keep them steady, and still find support for yourself, even years later.
Losing a parent to COVID while raising kids meant grieving with a toddler on your hip. You took the call from the hospital and then cut the crusts off a sandwich, because someone still had to make lunch.
If your mom or dad died of COVID-19 while your children were young, you've been doing two hard things at once: grieving your parent, and caring for kids who still need breakfast, baths and answers. It might have been last year or four years ago. Either way, that loss tends to get folded into the longer work of parenting without your own parents, and the grief from that first phone call can still be sitting there, mostly untouched.
It's okay to grieve in front of your children, and to tell them the truth in simple words. It also isn't too late to find support, even if the death was years ago.
What losing a parent to COVID while raising kids was really like
For a lot of families, the illness moved fast. A parent who sounded fine on the phone one week was in the hospital the next. The calls that followed came at all hours, often while a toddler was climbing on you or a seven-year-old was asking what was wrong.
Then the death itself often happened at a distance. People said goodbye through a phone screen, or not at all. Funerals were delayed, kept very small, or held online, with relatives in little squares on a laptop and somebody's audio cutting out during the eulogy. The rituals that usually carry a family through the first weeks were thin or missing.
The kids were right there through all of it. Maybe you cried in the bathroom with the fan running so they wouldn't hear, or made dinner on autopilot the night your parent died. A lot of bereaved parents describe a strange split, where the grief was enormous and the days kept demanding ordinary things like permission slips and clean socks.
Grief that had to wait its turn doesn't disappear. It often shows up later, sometimes years later, when life finally slows down enough to let it in. If that's where you are now, nothing is wrong with you.
What the research says, and who it describes
Researchers have tried to measure how many children were touched by pandemic loss. More than 200,000 children in the United States had lost a parent or other in-home caregiver to COVID-19 by early 2022, according to an estimate in the COVID Collaborative's Hidden Pain report. Worldwide, about 10.5 million children had lost a parent or caregiver through May 1, 2022, according to a modeling study in JAMA Pediatrics.
Those losses didn't fall evenly. Children who lost a parent were about three times more likely to have lost a father than a mother, a finding from a 2022 analysis published in The Lancet Child & Adolescent Health.
To be straight about who those numbers count: they describe children who lost a parent or a caregiver they lived with. Most people reading this are adults who lost a parent and are now raising children of their own. Your kids lost a grandparent, which these studies only partly capture. We aren't aware of a reliable count of your exact situation, so we won't invent one.
One study does speak more directly to bereaved adults. People bereaved during the first year of the pandemic were followed in a Cardiff University-led study in Frontiers in Public Health. Feeling socially isolated and lonely early in bereavement, and having lower social support over time, were associated with higher prolonged grief symptoms. That's an association, not proof that isolation caused harder grief, and the participants were mostly women in the UK. Still, it puts research language around something a lot of grieving families already knew in their bones, which is that grieving alone made it heavier.
The isolation that surrounded so many of these deaths
Ordinary grief comes with company. People bring casseroles, sit next to you at the service, hug you in the kitchen, take the kids for an afternoon so you can lie down. During the pandemic, much of that was missing or happened through a screen.
With small children, you were likely even more cut off. You may have been managing childcare and school at home on top of the illness and the death, with a first grader's video class running at the kitchen table while you called the funeral home. Friends who would have shown up couldn't, and by the time gatherings were possible again, a lot of people assumed you'd already moved on.
Some of this grief became hard to talk about, too. The pandemic turned into a subject people avoid, and a loss tied to it can feel like something you're not supposed to bring up at a kid's birthday party, standing by the juice boxes. Your grief doesn't need to be part of any larger conversation. It's about your mom or your dad, and that's enough.
Parenting while you're grieving
Your grief doesn't have to be hidden from your kids. A child's adjustment is linked to how the adults around them are doing, and taking care of yourself doesn't mean hiding your grief, as the Dougy Center, a national center for grieving children and families, notes in its tips for supporting grieving children. When kids see you sad, and then see you cope, they learn that feelings can be survived.
In the thick of it, lower the bar on purpose. Frozen pizza, more screen time on the hard days, fewer activities. Your kids need you present far more than they need a perfect week. At the same time, protect the few routines that matter most (bedtime, meals, school mornings), because those give children a sense of safety when the rest of life feels shaky.
Name what's happening, out loud and simply. A short sentence like "Mommy is sad today because she misses Grandma" tells your child the sadness isn't about them, and it isn't their job to fix.
Find grief time that belongs to you alone. A walk, a long drive with the radio off, a counseling session, a weekly call with a sibling. Grief that never gets space tends to leak out sideways, usually at the person who spilled the juice. When someone offers help, hand them a concrete job, like Tuesday pickup or one dinner.
If your other parent is still living, they're likely grieving too. Try to support each other directly rather than through the kids, and keep children out of the role of messenger or comforter for the adults.
Raising kids without the grandparent they should have had
Part of this grief is about the future. Your parent won't be at the birthday parties, the school plays or the ordinary Sunday dinners. If your children were very young, they may have few memories of their grandparent, or none at all.
That loss can catch you off guard years later. It might be a grandparents event at school, or a friend's mom flying in to help with a new baby while you stand in the driveway waving. We wrote about that particular ache in becoming a mom without your mom, and about the children themselves in pandemic babies who never met their grandparents.
You can still help your children know who their grandparent was. Because those last months may have been short on visits and photos, reach further back: old pictures, saved voicemails, recipes, stories from aunts, uncles and family friends. The pandemic months don't have to define the whole relationship.
Talking with your kids about how their grandparent died
Children do better with honest, simple facts than with silence. Use the word "died" rather than "passed away" or "went to sleep," and name the illness when an illness caused the death, the Dougy Center recommends.
For a young child, that might sound like: "Grandpa got very sick with an illness called COVID-19. His body stopped working, and the doctors could not fix it. He died, and that means he will not come back. We are very sad, and we are going to take care of each other."
Plenty of kids will then worry about themselves, or about you. Reassure them in concrete terms: most of the time when people get sick, they get better, and you're here and taking care of them. If they ask why they couldn't visit the hospital or why the funeral was so small, a simple answer works: "At that time, hospitals and gatherings had to be kept very small. Grandpa knew how much we loved him." You can add detail as they grow.
For more age-by-age language, read how to explain death to a child, and the companion piece on talking with kids about the death of a grandparent.
Most children grieve in bursts and come back to their usual selves over time. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network notes that many children adjust well after a death, while some develop childhood traumatic grief, with reactions severe or prolonged enough to interfere with daily life. If your child's fear, sleep problems or behavior changes persist and get in the way of everyday life, talk with your pediatrician or a child grief specialist.
Finding support now, even years later
It's common to look for help only once the urgent years have passed. If you're reaching out now, you're not late. Grief doesn't run on a fixed schedule, and there's an honest look at why it can stay raw for so long in how long grief lasts after losing a parent.
For yourself, that might mean a grief counselor, a bereavement group through a local hospice, or an online group for people who lost a parent. Our grief resources page lists crisis lines and places to start.
For your kids, the National Alliance for Children's Grief keeps a searchable directory of children's grief programs, including peer groups, camps and virtual options.
A small ritual of your own can give the whole family a place to put the feelings. Light a candle on your parent's birthday, or cook their favorite meal and let the kids help stir, even if half of it ends up on the floor.
If the grief ever feels like too much to carry, you can call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, any time in the US.
You lost your parent in a season that made grieving hard, and you kept packing lunches anyway. Someday one of your kids will ask what Grandpa's laugh sounded like, or why you always make that soup in October, and you'll get to tell them. That part of the story is still yours.
Questions people ask
How do I parent while grieving a parent who died of COVID?
Lower your expectations, keep the routines that matter most, and be honest with your kids in simple words. Then build real support for yourself, whether that is a counselor, a group or a trusted friend who takes the kids for a few hours. Grief and good parenting can exist side by side. Children mostly need you present and honest, not perfectly composed.
How do I tell my child their grandparent died of COVID?
Use clear, simple words and the real word died. You might say that Grandpa got very sick with an illness called COVID-19, his body stopped working, and the doctors could not fix it. Child grief experts recommend naming the illness, because vague phrases can make kids fear every cold. Then reassure them about their own safety and invite questions.
What if my child is scared of getting sick because a grandparent died of COVID?
Acknowledge the fear instead of brushing it off, then keep your reassurance concrete. Explain that most of the time when people get sick, they get better, and remind them who takes care of them when they are ill. Keep routines steady. If the fear grows, lasts for weeks, or gets in the way of school or sleep, talk with your pediatrician.
Is it normal for COVID grief to still feel raw years later?
Yes. Grief has no fixed timeline, and pandemic losses often came with extra layers: sudden illness, distance at the end, small or delayed funerals and little in-person support. Many parents also postponed their own grief to care for young children. It is common for that grief to surface fully only when life slows down, sometimes years after the death.
Why did grieving a COVID death while caring for kids feel so lonely?
Many people bereaved during the pandemic were cut off from the support that usually surrounds a death, and caring for young children added another layer of isolation. Research from a Cardiff University-led team found that early isolation, loneliness and low social support were associated with higher prolonged grief symptoms. Your loneliness was real, and it made a hard loss harder.
Is it normal to feel anger about how my parent died during the pandemic?
Yes. Anger is one of the most common emotions in grief, especially when a death felt sudden, distant or out of your control. The feeling itself is not wrong. What helps is giving it somewhere safe to go: talking it through with a counselor, writing it down, moving your body, or saying it out loud to someone who can simply listen.
How many children lost a parent or caregiver to COVID?
In the United States, the COVID Collaborative estimated that more than 200,000 children had lost a parent or in-home caregiver by early 2022. Worldwide, a study in JAMA Pediatrics estimated about 10.5 million children had lost a parent or caregiver through May 2022. These figures count children, not adults who lost a parent while raising kids of their own.
Are there grief camps or programs for kids who lost a grandparent to COVID?
Yes. Many children's grief centers, hospices and camps serve kids after any death, including the loss of a grandparent, whatever the cause. The National Alliance for Children's Grief keeps a searchable directory where you can filter by location, age group, and type of support such as camps, peer groups or virtual programs. Many listed programs are free.
How do I answer my child's questions about why we couldn't visit Grandpa in the hospital?
Keep it simple and true: at that time, hospitals had to keep visitors very limited so germs would not spread to other sick people. Then add what matters most to a child, that Grandpa knew how much he was loved. If your family called, sent pictures or made videos, mention those. You can share more detail as your child grows.
How do I handle reminders of the pandemic that bring back my grief?
Expect them, and plan for them. News stories, anniversaries, hospital smells or even a cough in the house can bring a wave of grief. Grief can resurface around holidays, birthdays and other dates long after a loss. It helps to limit exposure when you need to, and to keep a small comfort ritual ready for hard days.
Are people bereaved during the pandemic more at risk of prolonged grief?
Research points to some risk factors, not certainty. A 2023 study of people bereaved in the pandemic's first year found that isolation and loneliness early on, and low social support, were associated with higher prolonged grief symptoms. That shows a link, not cause. If grief keeps you from functioning months or years later, a grief-informed therapist can help.
How do I balance protecting my kids with being honest about a pandemic death?
Tell the truth at their level and leave out frightening details. Children can handle simple facts: the illness, that the body stopped working, and that the person will not come back. What scares them more is silence or vague answers they fill in with their own fears. Honest basics build trust, and age-fit framing keeps them feeling safe.
How do I explain a small or delayed funeral to my children?
Explain that at that time, gatherings had to be kept very small, so not everyone could come together the way families usually do. Then tell them you can still remember Grandma together now. A family visit to a favorite place, a shared meal, or a simple memorial at home can give children the goodbye they missed.
How do I keep a grandparent's memory alive when the pandemic left so few last memories?
Reach further back. The last months may have been short on visits, but earlier years often hold photos, videos, voicemails, recipes and stories. Ask relatives and old friends to share memories in writing or on video. Build a small memory box with your kids. The end of the pandemic years does not have to define a whole relationship.
Is it okay that I feel guilty I couldn't be there more because I had young kids?
Yes, and it is very common. Guilt often shows up in grief, especially when circumstances limited contact with a dying parent. Caring for your children during that time was not a failure of love; it was love directed where it was urgently needed. If guilt keeps circling back, saying it out loud to a counselor or group can loosen its grip.
How do I cope when I'm triggered by my kids getting sick after a COVID loss?
Health anxiety after a loss like this is understandable. Lean on your pediatrician for clear guidance about when an illness needs care, and write down a simple plan so you are not deciding in a panic. Name the fear to someone you trust. If worry about your children's health starts to disrupt daily life, consider talking with a therapist.
Is losing a grandparent to COVID considered traumatic grief for kids?
Not automatically. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network notes that many children adjust well after a death, while some develop childhood traumatic grief, with trauma reactions severe or prolonged enough to interfere with daily life. Watch for lasting changes in sleep, behavior, school or mood, and talk with your pediatrician or a child grief specialist if they persist.
How do I parent through the anniversary of my parent's COVID death?
Plan the day ahead so it does not ambush you. Tell your kids simply that you might feel sad because it is the day Grandma died. Choose a small family remembrance, like her favorite food or a walk somewhere she loved, and keep the rest of the day light. Arrange extra help or a quiet hour for yourself if you can.
Were children more likely to lose a father or a mother to COVID?
Fathers. A 2022 analysis in The Lancet Child and Adolescent Health found that children who lost a parent during the pandemic were about three times more likely to have lost a father than a mother, and earlier research found a similar pattern. These figures describe children who lost a parent, so they apply to your kids only if they lost a parent themselves.
How do I parent my kids when my surviving parent is also grieving the COVID loss?
Support each other directly instead of through the kids. Share practical help, such as childcare or meals, and point each other toward grief support. Try not to make children the messenger or the comforter for grieving adults. Keep their routines steady, and let them see you both caring for each other, which shows them grief can be shared.
If today feels like too much
You can call or text 988 (the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, US) any time, day or night. More places to turn, including grief groups and therapists: grief support and crisis resources.
Something gentle for the kidsRally Takes the Train is a hand-painted picture book about a corgi, a dark tunnel, and the people waiting at the end of the line.
Why it was writtenSources
- Hidden Pain: Children Who Lost a Parent or Caretaker to COVID-19 and What the Nation Can Do to Help Them, COVID Collaborative
- Orphanhood and Caregiver Loss Among Children Based on New Global Excess COVID-19 Death Estimates (Hillis et al., 2022), JAMA Pediatrics
- More than 5.2 million children affected by global surges in COVID-associated orphanhood and caregiver death (Unwin et al., The Lancet Child and Adolescent Health, 2022), University of Oxford Department of Social Policy and Intervention
- Prolonged grief during and beyond the pandemic (Harrop et al., 2023), Frontiers in Public Health
- Tips for Supporting Grieving Children, Dougy Center
- Childhood Traumatic Grief, National Child Traumatic Stress Network
- Find Support, National Alliance for Children's Grief
Written by the Rally Takes the Train team for Finding the Light After Loss, a library for adults grieving a mom or dad. General information, not medical or mental health advice. How we write about grief.