How to Talk to Kids About Losing a Grandparent, Even When It's Your Mom or Dad
To tell kids a grandparent has died, do it soon, somewhere quiet, using the real word "died" and one or two simple facts. Then pause, hold them, and let their questions lead. If the grandparent was your own mom or dad, it's okay to let them see that you're grieving too.
The hospice nurse finds you in the hallway, or a sibling's name lights up your screen at 6 a.m., and in one moment you've lost your mom or dad. Almost before you can breathe, the next thought arrives. The kids. Somebody has to tell the kids, and that somebody is you.
Talking to kids about the death of a grandparent is hard on any day. It's harder when that grandparent is your own parent, and you're breaking your child's heart while yours is already in pieces.
Child grief organizations have fairly clear advice for this moment, and for the days before and after it, and it's some of the most practical guidance around on helping children with grief. Most of it is simpler than the speech you're rehearsing in your head.
Telling your kids about the death of a grandparent
Kids need to hear it soon, from someone they trust. The Dougy Center, a national center for grieving children and families, advises in its guide for when an extended family member dies that children be told as soon as possible, ideally by someone they trust, with a short and simple explanation that fits their age. Then let their questions guide what else you share.
Pick a quiet, familiar place. Home is often best, whether that's the couch, their bed or the kitchen table. Sit close and put the phones away. Then say it plainly, without a long lead-in. Something like: "Grandma died this morning. Her body stopped working, and the doctors couldn't make it better."
Use the real word. The Dougy Center cautions that phrases like "passed away," "went to sleep" or "lost" can confuse children.
Then pause, and let the silence sit there longer than feels comfortable. Some kids cry. Some ask a practical question, like whether they still have school tomorrow, or who's going to feed Grandma's cat. Some go right back to their Legos. All of these are normal reactions, even the Legos.
Before you get up, reassure them. Tell them who's taking care of them, and that everyday life, like dinner and bedtime, will keep happening.
If you need a few minutes to steady yourself first, take them. What matters most is that your child hears it from you, or another trusted adult, before they overhear it somewhere else. For age-by-age language, read how to explain death to a child.
When a grandparent is dying: preparing kids ahead of time
When a grandparent is seriously ill, kids usually sense something is wrong long before anyone tells them. They notice the hushed calls, the extra trips to the hospital, the way the adults stop talking when they walk into the room. Telling them early, in small pieces, gives them time to adjust and a chance to say goodbye.
You might start with: "Grandpa is very, very sick. The doctors are taking care of him, but they can't make his body better. He might die soon." Then give updates as things change, and keep inviting questions.
The American Cancer Society's guidance for families facing a terminal illness recommends being honest and direct, using the words "die" and "death," and telling children the death is not their fault and that it's okay to feel upset or angry. It also encourages ways to say goodbye and remember, such as recorded stories, songs or messages.
Hospital, hospice and saying goodbye
Lots of children benefit from visiting a dying grandparent, as long as they're prepared and the visit is their choice. The American Cancer Society suggests explaining ahead of time what children will see at the bedside and making time for questions afterward.
So before you go, describe the room: the machines, any tubes, the beeping, how Grandpa might look or sound different. Let them know they can hold his hand, draw him a picture or just sit nearby. Give them a way out if they need one, like a quick walk to the vending machine with another adult.
Gilchrist, a nonprofit hospice provider, describes in inviting children to the bedside of the dying how visits can help children understand that bodies age, get sick and die, and how families can let children take part in meaningful goodbyes, such as reading a bedtime story aloud. If a visit isn't possible, a short video call, a recorded message or a card someone else brings can still be a real goodbye.
If your child doesn't want to visit, respect that. Offer another way to say goodbye, and let them know they can change their mind.
When the grandparent is your own mom or dad
You're telling your children their grandparent died, and you're also a son or daughter who just lost a parent. The two griefs get tangled together. Some nights it feels like there's nothing left in you for anyone, and your kid still needs a cup of water at 11 p.m., and then a different cup, because that one was the wrong color.
Your tears don't have to be hidden. The Dougy Center notes that if you cry in front of your children, you can reassure them that they didn't cause your sadness and that you're okay.
It can help to explain why your grief looks bigger than theirs. Tell your kids that Grandma was your mom, that you knew her your whole life, and that you miss her in a really big way. Then add that they might feel sad in a different way, and that's fine too.
Let someone else carry some of it. A partner, sibling or close friend can sit with you during the conversation, take over bedtime or field the third round of questions. Tell your kids who will help, too. The Dougy Center suggests reassuring children that someone will still help with meals, homework and other daily tasks while the grown-ups are sad.
Your own grief deserves care as well. We wrote about becoming a mom without your mom for exactly this season.
When kids were very close, or barely knew them
A child who saw Grandma every week, slept over at her house or was cared for by her may grieve deeply and for a long time. Where you can, protect the routines she was part of, say her name often, and consider a children's grief group if the sadness stays heavy.
A child who rarely saw a grandparent may feel very little, or may be confused by how sad the grown-ups are. Both reactions are fine. The Dougy Center emphasizes that grief looks different for every child, and some show little outward reaction at all.
Some children never got to meet a grandparent at all. Kelsey Lizee Cecil, whose family story is behind this site, lost her mom before her first child was born, so her children never met their grandmother. In families like that, small things like stories, photos and a grandparent's favorite foods can help a grandparent feel real to kids who never knew them. There's more on that in keeping a grandparent's memory alive for young children.
Answering questions about illness, dementia and cause of death
Kids do better with a true, simple cause than with a vague one. The American Academy of Pediatrics notes in its guide to how children understand death that a clear, simple explanation of the cause helps children understand they are not to blame.
Dementia. If a grandparent had Alzheimer's or another dementia, your kids may have watched them change in confusing ways, like calling them by the wrong name or forgetting who they were. The Alzheimer's Association's resources for helping kids understand Alzheimer's and dementia recommend age-appropriate language and acknowledge that children may feel fear or confusion about changes in a loved one's behavior. One way to say it: "Grandma had an illness in her brain that made her forget things and act differently. Over time, the illness made her body stop working."
Cancer and other illnesses. Name the illness, and explain that it's very different from a cold or a stomach bug. Kids who hear only "she got sick" may worry that every illness is dangerous.
Sudden deaths. After an accident or a sudden illness, children may need extra reassurance that most people live long lives and that they are safe.
Helping kids support the grandparent who's still here
When one grandparent dies, the other may be grieving deeply. Steady visits and calls help both your child and the surviving grandparent. Prepare your kids that Grandpa may seem sad, quiet or tired, and that the house may feel different without Grandma's voice in the kitchen.
Kids often feel better when they can help. A drawing, a phone call, carrying in the groceries or sitting together over a photo album gives them a way to show love, and gives a grieving grandparent real comfort.
Keep saying their name
The first conversation is just the beginning. Children revisit a loss as they grow, and new questions often show up months or years later, out of nowhere, in the back seat on the way to soccer. Keep the grandparent's name in everyday talk. Share stories at dinner. Let your kids keep a photo or a small keepsake in their room, even if it's just one of Grandpa's golf tees.
Warm, everyday stories about grandparents can help too. Some families read picture books about visiting grandparents together, including Rally Takes the Train, a happy story about a corgi riding the train to see his grand-paw-rents. These books aren't about death, but they can open easy conversations about what Grandma and Grandpa were like.
The holidays can stir things up all over again. When they come around, read about including a deceased grandparent in Christmas traditions.
When to call your pediatrician or a grief specialist
Most children grieve in bursts and gradually return to their usual selves. The AAP's guide to what's normal in childhood grief and when to worry suggests watching for major, lasting changes in how your child handles everyday life. If you notice them, or if your child talks about wanting to die, contact your pediatrician or a child grief specialist.
Our grief resources page lists places to start. If you or anyone in your family is in crisis, call or text 988 any time in the US.
Someday, maybe years from now, your child will tell you a story about their grandma that you'd forgotten, something she said while pushing them on the swings, and you'll realize it stuck because you kept talking about her. Those hard first conversations are where that starts.
Questions people ask
How do I tell my child that their grandparent died?
Find a quiet, familiar place and tell them plainly, using the real word died. Give one or two simple facts, such as that Grandma's body stopped working and the doctors could not fix it. Then pause, let them react however they need to, answer their questions honestly, and reassure them about who is taking care of them.
When is the right time to tell my kids that Grandpa died?
As soon as reasonably possible, and before they can overhear it from someone else. Child grief experts recommend telling children soon after a death, ideally from a trusted adult. Taking a short time to steady yourself first is fine. Waiting days or weeks usually backfires, because children sense that something is wrong.
Who should be the one to tell the kids a grandparent died?
Ideally a parent or the adult the child trusts most. If you cannot get the words out, another close adult, such as your partner, a sibling or a grandparent, can step in while you sit nearby. What matters most is that the news comes from someone familiar, in a safe place, with time for questions and comfort.
How do I prepare my child when a grandparent is dying?
Tell them early and honestly that the grandparent is very sick and the doctors cannot make their body better, and that they may die. Give updates as things change, invite questions, and offer ways to say goodbye, like drawings, calls, recorded messages or a prepared visit. Advance warning helps children adjust and feel included.
Should my child visit a grandparent who is in hospice?
Many children benefit from a visit if they are prepared and it is their choice. Describe what they will see beforehand, such as equipment and how the grandparent may look, and plan what they might do, like holding a hand or reading a story. Give them an easy way to leave. If they decline, offer another way to say goodbye.
Is a video call a good way for kids to say goodbye to a dying grandparent?
Yes, when an in-person visit is not possible. Keep it short, and prepare your child for how the grandparent may look or sound. Let them say something simple, show a drawing, or sing a song. A recorded message or a card someone else brings can also be a meaningful goodbye. What matters is the connection, not the format.
How do I help a child who was very close to the grandparent who died?
Expect deeper and longer grief, and let it show. Keep the routines that grandparent was part of where you can, or create a new ritual in their honor. Talk about the grandparent often and by name. If the sadness is heavy or lasting, a children's grief group or a child grief specialist can give extra support.
What if my child barely knew the grandparent who died?
They may feel very little, or feel confused by how sad the adults are, and both reactions are fine. Do not push them to feel more than they do. Sharing a few stories, photos or a favorite food can help the grandparent feel real, and children often grow more curious about family members they missed as they get older.
How do I talk to my kids when the grandparent who died was my mom or dad?
Be honest that you are very sad because you lost your parent, and that sadness is okay. Reassure your children they did not cause it and that you will be okay. Let them know other adults are helping take care of everyone. Ask a partner or friend to share the hard moments, and get grief support for yourself.
What if my child doesn't seem to care that Grandma died?
That is common and not a sign they did not love her. Children often grieve in short bursts, switching quickly between sadness and play, or the feelings show up weeks or months later. Some show little outward reaction at all. Keep talking about Grandma naturally and stay available, and their feelings will surface when they are ready.
How do I explain a grandparent's dementia and then their death to a child?
Explain dementia as an illness in the brain that made Grandma forget things and act differently, and that it was not her fault. Later, explain that the illness kept getting worse until her body stopped working. Use simple, age-appropriate words, and expect questions about the confusing changes your child saw before the death.
Should I tell my child what the grandparent died from?
Yes, in simple and true words. Children who are not told often imagine something scarier. Name the illness or cause briefly, without graphic details. When children hear only that Grandpa got sick, they may start worrying about every cold or hospital visit, so being specific actually helps them feel safer.
How do I talk to my child about a grandparent who died of cancer?
Name it: Grandma had a serious illness called cancer, and it made her body stop working. Explain that cancer is very different from a cold, that kids cannot catch it like a cold, and that most of the time when people get sick, they get better. Answer questions honestly and keep routines steady.
How do I explain the death of a great-grandparent to a young child?
Explain the family connection simply, such as that Great-Grandpa was Grandma's dad. Use the word died, give a short cause, and let your child's feelings match their relationship without pressure. A young child who rarely saw a great-grandparent may feel little, while adults around them grieve deeply, and both are fine.
Should the kids keep visiting Grandpa after Grandma dies?
Yes. Steady visits and calls usually help both the children and the grieving grandparent. Prepare your kids ahead of time that Grandpa may seem sad or quiet and the house may feel different without Grandma. Give them something simple to do together, like a game, a walk or looking at photos.
How can my child help a grandparent who just lost their spouse?
Simple acts mean a lot: drawing a picture, making a phone call, helping with a meal, or sitting together looking at photos. Letting kids help gives them a sense of purpose when they feel powerless, and gives the grieving grandparent real comfort. Keep tasks small and age-appropriate, and do not make children responsible for an adult's grief.
What do I say if my child asks who will be their grandma now?
Reassure them that Grandma will always be their grandma, even though she died. Nobody replaces her. Then name the people who will keep loving and caring for them, such as you, other grandparents, aunts, uncles and family friends. Children asking this are often really asking whether they will still be taken care of.
How do I talk to kids about a grandparent we were estranged from?
Keep it short and honest, without adult details about the conflict. You might say that Grandpa died, that your family did not see him much, and that it is okay to feel however they feel. Children may feel sad, curious or neutral, and all of those reactions are acceptable. Answer questions simply as they come.
Is it wrong that I'm too sad right now to talk to my kids about their grandparent?
No. A short, honest message is enough for today, such as Grandma died and we are all very sad. Ask a trusted adult to help with bedtime, questions or comfort. You can return to deeper conversations later when you have more to give. Children mostly need honesty and safety, not a perfect conversation.
How do I explain why I'm so upset when my kids are only a little sad?
Explain that Grandpa was your dad, and you knew him your whole life, so you miss him in a very big way. Tell them their feelings are okay too, whatever size they are. This helps children understand your tears without feeling they are grieving wrong, and it shows them that people can love and miss someone differently.
If today feels like too much
You can call or text 988 (the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, US) any time, day or night. More places to turn, including grief groups and therapists: grief support and crisis resources.
Something gentle for the kidsRally Takes the Train is a hand-painted picture book about a corgi, a dark tunnel, and the people waiting at the end of the line.
Why it was writtenSources
- Supporting Children and Teens When an Extended Family Member Dies, Dougy Center
- Helping Children When a Parent Has a Terminal Illness, American Cancer Society
- Inviting Children to the Bedside of the Dying, Gilchrist
- Helping Kids Understand Alzheimer's and Dementia, Alzheimer's Association
- How Children Understand Death: What to Say When a Loved One Dies, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
- Grief and Loss in Childhood: How to Help Your Child Cope, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
Written by the Rally Takes the Train team for Finding the Light After Loss, a library for adults grieving a mom or dad. General information, not medical or mental health advice. How we write about grief.