How to Help Kids Cope With Their First Christmas After a Death in the Family
To help kids through their first Christmas after a death, keep the season simple: protect a few routines, talk about the person who died, plan one small way to include them, and expect feelings to swing from excitement to tears. You don't need a perfect holiday. Grieving kids mostly need honest, steady grown-ups and room for every feeling.
The Advent calendar is still on the fridge. Every morning someone opens a little cardboard door, eats a chocolate the size of a thumbnail, and asks how many sleeps until Christmas. And you're standing by the coffee maker wondering how you're supposed to make any of it feel magical this year, with someone your whole family loves gone.
You don't need a perfect holiday. Child grief at Christmas is messy and uneven, and what grieving kids mostly need is simpler than it sounds: a few familiar things, honest grown-ups, room for every feeling, and a small way to include the person who died.
The first Christmas after a death tends to trip families up in predictable places: the mood swings, Santa, big gatherings, the school concert, and then the strangely quiet weeks after. Knowing where those spots are ahead of time goes a long way in helping children with grief through December.
Helping kids through the first Christmas after a death starts with a plan
The weeks before can be the worst part. The Dougy Center, a national center for grieving children and families, notes in its holiday tips for grieving children and families that anticipation is often harder than the holiday itself, and that planning ahead eases worry, especially for children.
Start by deciding what you can and can't do this year, and tell family and friends early so nobody is surprised in mid-December. Then sit everyone down for a short family meeting, kids included, maybe over pizza on a weeknight. Ask what each person most wants to keep and what feels too hard. Kids often answer in ways grown-ups don't expect (the cookies matter, the big party doesn't).
Plan one simple way to include the person who died, like lighting a candle, cooking their favorite food or hanging a stocking where people can tuck in notes. And build in rest. Grief is tiring for kids and grown-ups alike, and a December packed with events leaves nobody anything in the tank.
If your children are still asking why the person isn't here, we wrote about explaining to your kids why Grandma isn't here for Christmas, with the words to use. For more ideas on remembering, read how to include a deceased grandparent in your child's Christmas traditions.
Child grief at Christmas: excited one minute, falling apart the next
It can catch you off guard, and it can sting. A few weeks after the funeral, your child is bouncing off the couch cushions about presents. That's normal. The Child Mind Institute explains in its guide to helping children deal with grief that children may move quickly between crying and playing, and that this does not mean they aren't sad.
Being excited about Christmas isn't a sign your child didn't love the person. Kids tend to grieve in bursts and then step back into ordinary life for a while, which is how they cope with something too big to hold all at once.
The opposite shows up too. The holidays pile on late nights, sugar, crowds and broken routines, and a grieving child has less to handle them with. A meltdown over the wrong wrapping paper can really be about missing someone. When it happens, connection usually helps more than consequences: a quiet spot, a hug, and something simple like "This is a hard Christmas, isn't it?"
Santa, wish lists and gifts from someone who died
Lots of parents wonder whether Santa should still come. Many families keep Santa the year of a death, because the familiar magic gives children continuity and joy, and you can simplify the details if you're running on empty. There's no single right answer, so do what fits your family.
Then there's the wish list. You might find it in careful kid handwriting, between the Lego set and the slime kit: "Bring Grandma back." It can knock the air out of you. Gently explain that even Santa can't bring back someone who died, because when someone dies, their body stops working and they can't come back. Then make room for the wish underneath it: "You really wish Grandma could be here. So do we."
Gifts are their own question. For young children, a present labeled as being from Grandpa can be confusing, because it might suggest he's somehow still out shopping. A gift "in memory of" Grandpa, something he would have loved to give, is often clearer.
And if the person already picked out presents for your kids before they died, many families give them with a short explanation: "Grandma picked this out for you before she died." It can become a treasured last gift.
A few steady routines in a season full of change
Routines help grieving kids feel safe. The Dougy Center's tips for supporting grieving children explain that predictable routines around bedtime, meals and activities give children a sense of safety, with some flexibility so they can trust their needs will be met.
You won't keep everything normal in December, and you don't have to. Pick a few anchors and protect them:
- Bedtime within about the same window, even on special nights.
- Regular meals and snacks between the treats.
- A daily quiet time, even fifteen minutes, with no visitors or screens.
- Time outside, or a chance to run off big energy.
If your child wants Christmas to be exactly the same as before, keep the traditions you can, explain gently why one or two will change, and let them help choose what stays.
Gatherings, travel and the school holiday concert
Big family gatherings go better with a little prep. The Dougy Center suggests finding out ahead of time who will be there and how long the event will last, and practicing with children how to answer questions. Tell your kids that grown-ups may cry, that it's okay, and who they can go to. Agree on a quiet room and a secret signal (a tug on the sleeve works) for when they need a break or want to leave.
On whether to travel or stay home, there's no right answer. Choose whatever lowers stress for your kids this year. Some families find comfort in a house full of relatives; others need the quiet of their own living room. Changing plans is allowed.
For school parties and concerts, let your child's teacher know about the death before the holiday events start. Agree on a calm-down plan, and remind your child it's okay to step out if a song or activity brings up big feelings.
When your child lost a parent, not a grandparent
If your child's mom or dad died, the whole holiday can feel rearranged. The parent who did the stockings, hung the lights crooked every year or made the Christmas morning pancakes is gone. And you might be carrying the whole season alone while grieving your partner.
Bring your child into the choices about what to keep, and remember their parent in ways they help design. Lower the bar for yourself, way down. Say yes to concrete help with shopping, cooking and childcare when people offer it. A children's grief group can be especially valuable after the death of a parent, giving your child other kids who understand.
When you want to skip Christmas but they don't
Plenty of grieving parents would happily sleep through December. Meanwhile, your kids want the tree up this weekend. That tension is common, and feeling it doesn't make you a bad parent.
When you're the parent, the holidays happen at your house, ready or not. A pared-down version works for a lot of families: the tree, a few favorite traditions, a simple meal, and permission to skip the rest. Then find a quiet moment that's only for your own grief. A walk, a long cry in the shower, or a call with someone who knew the person too.
If you lost your own mom or dad this year, we wrote getting through the first Christmas without Mom or Dad just for you.
After the holidays: January grief
Sometimes it hits harder once the decorations come down. The busyness ends, school starts back up, and the absence feels bigger in a quiet house. Sesame Workshop's grief resources for families note that grief can resurface at different times as seasons change.
The Dougy Center recommends talking as a family after the holidays about what worked and what didn't, and planning something to look forward to in January and February. Keep gentle check-ins going in the weeks after Christmas, and don't be surprised if the questions come back, sometimes at bedtime, sometimes in the car.
Where grieving families can find holiday support
You don't have to do this by yourself. Children's grief centers, hospices and community programs often hold holiday events for grieving families. The National Alliance for Children's Grief keeps a searchable directory of children's grief support programs, including peer groups, camps and virtual options. For grown-ups, we gathered options in holiday grief support.
Most grieving children find their footing over time with steady, honest care. The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests in its guide to childhood grief and when to worry watching for major, lasting changes in how your child handles everyday life. If you see them, or your child talks about wanting to die, contact your pediatrician or a child grief specialist. Our grief resources page lists more places to turn, and if anyone in your family is in crisis, call or text 988 any time in the US.
This first Christmas won't look like the ones before. Somewhere in it, though, there might be a minute you didn't plan, your kid in footie pajamas telling the story about Grandpa and the exploding can of cranberry sauce, and everyone laughing a little too hard, and missing him, all at the same table.
Questions people ask
How do I help my child get through the first Christmas after someone died?
Keep expectations small and plan ahead. Protect a few routines, talk about the person openly and by name, and choose one simple way to include them, like a candle or their favorite food. Let your child help decide which traditions to keep. Children mostly need connection, honesty and a few familiar touches, not a perfect holiday.
Is it normal for my child to be excited about Christmas right after a death?
Yes. Children often move quickly between sadness and joy, and excitement about presents or decorations does not mean they did not love the person who died. Grieving in short bursts is how kids cope with something too big to hold all at once. Let them enjoy the fun parts, and stay ready for sadness that may show up later.
Why is my grieving child melting down so much during the holidays?
Holidays pile on late nights, sugar, crowds and broken routines, and a grieving child has less capacity to handle them. Missing someone can also come out sideways, as tears or anger over small things. Plan downtime, keep bedtimes as steady as you can, and respond with comfort first. Naming the feeling often helps more than a consequence.
Should we still do Santa the year someone in our family died?
Many families keep Santa, because the familiar magic offers children continuity and joy during a hard time. You can simplify how much you do if you are exhausted. There is no single right answer. Choose what fits your family's values and energy this year, and know that keeping some fun alive is not disrespectful to the person who died.
My child asked Santa to bring Grandma back. What do I say?
Gently explain that even Santa cannot bring back someone who died, because when someone dies their body stops working and they cannot come back. Then honor the wish underneath, saying something like, you really wish Grandma could be here, and so do we. Offer a hug and a way to remember her together, such as looking at photos.
Should I give my child a gift 'from' the person who died?
For young children, a gift labeled as from someone who died can be confusing, since it may suggest they are somehow still around. A gift given in memory of the person, something they would have loved to give, is usually clearer. Older children may appreciate the gesture either way. Explain it simply, and let the gift spark a story.
What do I do with gifts the person bought for my kids before they died?
Many families give them, with a short explanation that Grandma picked this out for you before she died. It can become a precious final gift and a lasting connection. If you think it may overwhelm your child on Christmas morning, consider giving it at a quieter moment instead, when there is time to talk and remember.
Should we travel or stay home for the first Christmas after a death?
Choose whatever lowers stress for your children this year. Some families find comfort in being surrounded by relatives, while others need the quiet and predictability of home. There is no right answer, and changing your usual plans is okay. Whatever you decide, protect a few routines and build in breaks.
How do I prepare my child for a holiday gathering where everyone will be sad?
Tell them ahead of time that grown-ups may cry and that it is okay. Let them know who will be there, how long you plan to stay, and who they can go to if they need help. Practice simple answers to questions from relatives. Agree on a quiet spot and a signal for when they need a break or want to leave.
How do I keep my grieving child's routine steady during the holidays?
Choose a few anchors and protect them: a consistent bedtime window, regular meals, a short daily quiet time, and time to move or play outside. You do not need to keep everything normal. Predictability in a few key places helps grieving children feel safe while the rest of the season changes around them.
What if my child wants Christmas to be exactly the same as before?
Take the wish seriously, because sameness feels safe after a loss. Keep the traditions you realistically can, and explain gently why one or two will be different this year. Let your child help choose what stays and what changes. Including them in those decisions gives them a sense of control when so much feels out of their hands.
What if my child doesn't want to celebrate Christmas this year?
Take it seriously and ask what feels hard. They may be missing the person, worried about others being sad, or uncomfortable with celebrating. Offer smaller or different ways to mark the day, and let them opt out of parts that feel too much. Keep checking in. If the withdrawal is lasting and broad, talk with your pediatrician.
Is it okay to scale Christmas way back the first year after a death?
Yes. A quieter, simpler Christmas is completely fine. Children mostly need connection, a few familiar touches and honest grown-ups, not elaborate plans. Many families keep the tree, one or two favorite traditions and a simple meal, and skip the rest. You can always add more back in future years as energy returns.
What if my child gets upset at a school holiday party or concert?
Tell the teacher about the death before holiday events, and agree on a simple calm-down plan, such as a quiet place to go or a trusted adult to find. Remind your child that it is okay to step out if a song or activity brings up big feelings. Afterward, talk about it gently without making them feel they did something wrong.
How can I help my child with grief on Christmas morning itself?
Start with a small moment for the person who died, like lighting a candle or saying their name, then let the morning unfold. Keep plans simple and leave space for whatever feelings come, including joy. Have a quiet spot available. If sadness arrives in the middle of presents, a hug and a few words of understanding are usually enough.
Is it normal for my child's grief to hit harder after the holidays, in January?
Yes. When the busyness ends and school restarts, the absence can feel bigger. Grief often resurfaces as seasons change. Plan gentle check-ins in the weeks after Christmas, and give your family something small to look forward to in January and February. If big changes in mood or behavior last, talk with your pediatrician.
How do I help a child through Christmas after their mom or dad died?
Losing a parent can reshape the whole holiday, so involve your child in choices about what to keep and what to change. Honor their parent in ways they help design. Accept concrete help with shopping and cooking. A children's grief group can be especially valuable after a parent's death, and a child grief specialist can offer extra support.
Is it wrong that I want to skip Christmas but my kids still want it?
No. Many grieving parents feel exactly this. A pared-down version can work: the tree, one or two favorite traditions, a simple meal, and permission to skip the rest. Then protect a quiet moment for your own grief, such as a walk or a call with someone who knew the person. Your kids need you present, not perfect.
What do I say to relatives who insist kids bounce back fast?
Kindly explain that children often grieve in bursts and over years, and that seeming fine at a party does not mean the loss is over. Ask relatives to talk about the person naturally rather than avoid the subject, because hearing their name gives kids permission to share feelings. A short, calm explanation usually works better than an argument.
Where can grieving families find holiday support for kids?
Children's grief centers, hospices and community programs often run holiday events or groups for grieving families. The National Alliance for Children's Grief keeps a searchable directory of programs, including peer groups, camps and virtual options. Your pediatrician, school counselor or local hospice can also point you toward support near you.
If today feels like too much
You can call or text 988 (the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, US) any time, day or night. More places to turn, including grief groups and therapists: grief support and crisis resources.
Something gentle for the kidsRally Takes the Train is a hand-painted picture book about a corgi, a dark tunnel, and the people waiting at the end of the line.
Why it was writtenSources
- Holiday Tips for Grieving Children and Families, Dougy Center
- Tips for Supporting Grieving Children, Dougy Center
- Helping Children Deal With Grief, Child Mind Institute
- Grief, Sesame Workshop
- Find Support, National Alliance for Children's Grief
- Grief and Loss in Childhood: How to Help Your Child Cope, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
Written by the Rally Takes the Train team for Finding the Light After Loss, a library for adults grieving a mom or dad. General information, not medical or mental health advice. How we write about grief.