Grandparents Day When Your Kids' Grandparents Have Died
Grandparents Day without grandparents often hits parents harder than kids, because you're missing your own mom or dad and the grandparent your children should have had. You can mark it with small things, like her recipe, one story or a memory box for the school art, or let it pass quietly, and both are fine.
It comes home folded in quarters at the bottom of a backpack, under a squashed granola bar. A paper flower with a photo-sized hole in the middle, "To Grandma" in wobbly marker, and a smear of glue stick that never quite dried.
Your kid is proud of it. You're standing at the counter trying to figure out where it's supposed to go.
Grandparents Day without grandparents is a quiet kind of hard. Most of the world barely notices the holiday, so there's no warning, and then it shows up in a school folder or a store display in early September. That makes it one of the sneakier holidays without parents, hardest on parents whose own mom or dad has died and whose kids are growing up with fewer grandparents than they should have, or none at all.
Grandparents Day without grandparents often hurts the parent more than the kid
Young kids may not feel much about the day at all, especially if they never met the grandparent who died. You feel the whole thing. You knew your mom. You know exactly how she would have lost her mind over that paper flower, which drawer she'd have kept it in, and how she'd have mentioned it on the phone for a week.
So you end up grieving two things at once: your parent, and the grandparent your kids would have had. That second loss is easy to dismiss because it's about something that never happened. It's still real. It's the sleepovers, the spoiling, the person who would have taught your daughter to play gin rummy and then let her win.
If that imagined future is what's hurting, we wrote more about grieving the family you pictured for your kids.
The art with no one to give it to
Sooner or later a Grandparents Day card comes home in a backpack, made with real care, and there's no one to give it to.
There's no single right answer for that art. Some families keep a folder or a box just for these pieces, labeled with the grandparent's name, and add to it every year. Some bring the card to the cemetery. Some tape it to the fridge next to an old photo, so it has somewhere to belong for a week. Others mail it to an aunt, a great-grandparent or a family friend who would love to get it.
The school side of this, from family tree assignments to Grandparents Day breakfasts in the cafeteria, gets complicated fast. We wrote a whole guide on what to do when school assumes every kid has grandparents.
Ways to remember grandparents who died on Grandparents Day
Small, hands-on things work best with kids, and they don't have to take more than an afternoon. A few that families come back to:
- Make Grandma's recipe together. Let the kids crack the eggs. Tell them it was her favorite, and that she always licked the spoon.
- Look at one photo album. Not the whole shelf. One album, on the couch, with the kids pointing at outfits and asking "Is that you?"
- Plant something. Mayo Clinic suggests planting a tree in a loved one's honor or giving to a charity in their name as a way to start a new tradition. A pot of Grandpa's favorite marigolds on the porch counts.
- Visit a place they loved. The diner, the park, the beach where Grandpa always got sunburned.
- Add to a memory box. Sesame Workshop suggests that a box of mementos can comfort kids as they remember someone. This year's Grandparents Day art can go right in.
- Visit the grave, if it feels right. Tell young kids ahead of time what they'll see, keep it short, and let them bring a drawing or a flower to leave.
Telling your kids about the grandparents they missed
Kids don't need a biography. They need one good detail at a time. Grandpa sang off-key in the car on purpose. Grandma kept butterscotch candies in every coat pocket. She called everyone "kiddo," including the mailman.
The funniest, smallest stories are the ones that stick. So are the ones that connect to your child directly: "Your grandma would have loved how you hum when you color. She did that too." Saying out loud what she would have loved about them is a way of letting your kids feel known by someone they never met.
For toddlers, keep it short and concrete. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends simple and direct answers for little ones and suggests avoiding phrases like "gone to sleep," which can make young children afraid of bedtime. "Grandma died before you were born. Her body stopped working. Here's her picture. She loved the ocean" is plenty for a three-year-old, and you'll add to it every year as they grow.
It's also normal if your kid shrugs. A six-year-old who announces they don't care about Grandparents Day, because they never had grandparents anyway, isn't being cold. Kids' interest in family stories tends to come and go, and Sesame Workshop notes that as children grow and change, their grief changes too. The questions often come back at nine or twelve or sixteen, sometimes at bedtime and sometimes in the car. Keep the door open and don't push. For more ideas, read keeping a grandparent's traditions alive for your kids.
A train ride to the grand-paw-rents
Picture books make this day easier, because the book does some of the talking. Rally Takes the Train is about a corgi riding the train to visit his grand-paw-rents. Partway there the train goes into a dark tunnel and Rally gets scared, then he sees a big bright light and comes out by the ocean. It's a happy book, not a sad one, and it gives kids an easy opening to ask about their own grandparents: who they were, where they lived, what a visit would have been like.
The idea for the book came from Kelsey's mom, Deb, who talked about it for years and died before she could write it. For more options, browse our list of picture books about visiting grandparents.
When one side is still here
Many kids have one living grandparent, or one set, and one side that's gone. It's completely fine to celebrate the living ones warmly. Call Grandpa, bake him cookies, take him to lunch. Then add one small moment for the grandparents who died, like a photo on the table or a toast with lemonade.
That small moment matters for the parent whose mom or dad died, too. It can quietly sting to watch your in-laws get the cards and the hugs while your own parents are missing from the day. Telling your partner that ahead of time, without making anyone wrong, usually makes it easier to enjoy the visit.
Honorary grandparents and other older friends
National Grandparents Day was always meant to stretch a little. When President Carter made it an annual observance in 1979, his proclamation mentioned grandparents "whether they are our own or surrogate grandparents" and urged people to honor their own grandparents or those in their community.
Plenty of families build those bonds on purpose: the retired neighbor who teaches your son to whittle, a family friend who comes to every soccer game, a great-aunt who sends birthday cards with five-dollar bills. An honorary grandparent doesn't replace the ones who died. They're just one more person who loves your kids.
You can also make the day about older people in general. Kids can draw cards for a nursing home, visit a senior center, or bring a plate of cookies to an elderly neighbor. Call ahead first, since many places have visiting rules and would love to plan for you.
And if you find yourself jealous of families whose grandparents babysit every Tuesday, that's understandable. Missing that kind of help is a real loss. We wrote about raising kids without a village for exactly that feeling.
When the day passes quietly, and why that's okay too
Grandparents Day falls on the first Sunday after Labor Day in the US, set by a 1979 proclamation after Carter first declared the day in 1978. In 2027 that's September 12. It's easy to miss in the back-to-school rush, and some years you'll only realize it happened when the art comes home on Monday.
That's fine. You don't have to turn it into a holiday. Some years you'll make Grandma's pancakes and tell the butterscotch story. Some years you'll just glance at her photo on the bookshelf a little longer than usual. Follow your family's energy and your kids' cues.
Other dates will ask more of you. When you're ready, read about marking your parent's birthday after they die. If the grief ever starts to feel like too much, you can call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time in the US.
And that paper flower with the photo-sized hole? You can put her picture in it. It fits better than you'd think.
Questions people ask
When is Grandparents Day, and why does it sneak up on grieving families?
In the US, National Grandparents Day is the first Sunday after Labor Day, so it falls in early to mid-September. It gets little attention in stores or the media, and it lands during the back-to-school rush. Many grieving parents only notice it when a school project or class event arrives, which can make it feel like an ambush.
Is it normal for Grandparents Day to hurt when my kids' grandparents have died?
Yes. You're grieving your own parent and also the grandparent relationship your kids never got to have. That second loss is about an imagined future, which can make it feel less legitimate, but it's very real. It's common for this small holiday to stir up big feelings, especially when school art or events bring it into your home.
How do I explain Grandparents Day to a toddler whose grandparents died before they were born?
Keep it short and concrete. Tell them who Grandma was, show one photo, and share one thing she loved, like the ocean or a favorite song. Use the word died rather than phrases like went to sleep. You'll repeat and add to the story as your child grows and starts asking new questions.
What can we do on Grandparents Day to remember grandparents who died?
Try something hands-on and small. Look at one photo album together, cook a grandparent's recipe, plant flowers they loved, visit a meaningful place, add to a memory box, or read a picture book about grandparents. Kids often enjoy simple activities they can help with, and one short tradition each year is plenty.
Is it okay to celebrate Grandparents Day with my kids' living grandparents when the other side is gone?
Yes. Celebrate the living grandparents warmly, and add one small moment for the grandparents who died, like a photo at the table or a story at dinner. If it stings to watch your in-laws celebrated while your own parents are missing, tell your partner ahead of time so they understand.
How do I handle Grandparents Day when my kids have no living grandparents at all?
Keep expectations gentle and reframe the day. You might spend it remembering their grandparents through stories, photos or recipes, and also connecting with older people in your community. Some families invite an honorary grandparent over. Others let the day pass quietly. Follow your child's interest and your own energy.
Can a family friend or older neighbor be an honorary grandparent for my kids?
Yes, and many families build these relationships on purpose. A neighbor, family friend, great-aunt or mentor can become a loving older presence in your children's lives. An honorary grandparent doesn't replace the grandparents who died. They simply add another caring adult and another connection across generations.
Why do I feel jealous of families whose grandparents help out all the time?
That jealousy is common and understandable. When grandparents babysit, drop off dinners or take the kids for a weekend, it's a kind of support you've lost along with your parents. Naming that loss can help. Many parents without grandparents build a mix of paid help and chosen family to fill some of the gaps.
Are there picture books we can read together on Grandparents Day?
Yes. Picture books about visiting grandparents or remembering someone who died can open gentle conversations. Rally Takes the Train, about a corgi riding the train to visit his grand-paw-rents, is a happy option. Reading together gives kids a natural chance to ask about their own grandparents.
What stories should I tell my kids about their grandparents on Grandparents Day?
Small, vivid and funny stories work best. Share a favorite food, a saying, a silly habit, or something they did that always made you laugh. It also helps to connect the grandparent to your child, like telling them Grandma hummed while she drew too, or describing what she would have loved about them.
Is Grandparents Day a real holiday or just a greeting card holiday?
It's a real national observance. President Jimmy Carter proclaimed the first National Grandparents Day in 1978, and in 1979 Congress and the president set it for the first Sunday after Labor Day each year. It's not a federal day off, but it has an official history, even if most of the cards came later.
Should I let Grandparents Day pass quietly instead of making a big deal of it?
Either choice is fine. Some families enjoy a small tradition each year, while others barely mark the day. Follow your family's energy and your child's cues. If your kids seem curious, offer a story or an activity. If not, letting it pass quietly doesn't mean you're forgetting anyone.
How do I grieve the grandparent my kids would have had?
Start by naming it as a real loss. Grief experts sometimes call losses like this secondary losses, the losses that ripple out from a death. Let yourself feel sad about the sleepovers, the advice and the relationships that won't happen. Talking with others who understand, or writing about it, can help that grief feel less invisible.
What if my child says they don't care about Grandparents Day because they never had grandparents?
Accept the feeling without pushing. It's honest, and it isn't cold. Children's interest in family history often changes as they get older, and questions may come back years later. Keep stories and photos available, mention their grandparents naturally, and let your child lead when curiosity shows up.
How can I feel close to my mom on Grandparents Day when she never met my kids?
Look for her in your children and say it out loud. Share her traditions, cook her recipes, use her sayings, and tell your kids what she would have loved about them. Some parents write her a letter about the grandkids each year. These small acts can make her feel present in your family's life.
Can we visit a grave or memorial on Grandparents Day with young kids?
Yes, if you prepare them. Explain beforehand what they'll see, keep the visit short, and give them a job, like bringing a drawing or a flower to leave. Answer questions simply and honestly. If your child seems uneasy, it's fine to leave early and try again another year.
What do I say when other parents talk about grandparents babysitting and helping out?
A short, honest reply works, such as mentioning that your kids' grandparents have died, so you rely on other help. You don't have to explain more. It's okay to acknowledge the sting privately afterward. Building a support system of paid help and chosen family can ease some of the practical gap.
Is it selfish that Grandparents Day makes me sadder than it makes my kids?
It isn't selfish. You knew your parents and carry the full weight of losing them, while your children may have no memories at all. Kids grieve differently and often feel things in shorter bursts. It's natural for this day to land harder on you.
How can we make Grandparents Day about connecting with older people, like visiting a senior center?
Kids can make cards for a nursing home, visit a senior center, read to older adults, or help an elderly neighbor with a small task. Call ahead first, since many facilities have visiting rules and appreciate time to plan. These visits can give your kids a warm connection across generations.
Should I tell my kids it's okay to feel sad on Grandparents Day even if they never met their grandparents?
Yes. Children can miss someone they never knew, especially when classmates talk about their grandparents. Telling them it's okay to feel sad, or to feel nothing much, helps them feel understood. You can share that you feel sad sometimes too, and that missing someone is a way of loving them.
If today feels like too much
You can call or text 988 (the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, US) any time, day or night. More places to turn, including grief groups and therapists: grief support and crisis resources.
Something gentle for the kidsRally Takes the Train is a hand-painted picture book about a corgi, a dark tunnel, and the people waiting at the end of the line.
Why it was writtenSources
- Proclamation 4580, National Grandparents Day, 1978, The American Presidency Project
- Proclamation 4679, National Grandparents Day, 1979, The American Presidency Project
- How Children Understand Death: What to Say When a Loved One Dies, HealthyChildren.org (American Academy of Pediatrics)
- Grief, Sesame Workshop
- Grief: Coping with reminders after a loss, Mayo Clinic
- 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
Written by the Rally Takes the Train team for Finding the Light After Loss, a library for adults grieving a mom or dad. General information, not medical or mental health advice. How we write about grief.